feeling engaged.

life kind of feels like a dream right now. im not sure if i am still seasick from the dinner cruise on saturday, or if life truly is a dream right now. the reason i want to write this blog is to remind myself what being engaged really is about. i never imagined myself getting married, being engaged, or planning a wedding for that matter. therefore, when i met derek and realized that he is the man i want to spend the rest of my life with, it was such a blessing. he changed my perspective on love, romance, and marriage. and because of that, now that we are engaged, i feel unprepared. i feel anxious. i feel overwhlemed. i just want to marry my best friend, and walk this journey of life together.
so.. just as marriage is to be a reflection of jesus and the church, i want to make our engagement reflect that as well. i want to act, plan, and delegate as a reflection of jesus and the church. i want to be faithful to jesus first, then to derek, then to the wedding planning. im going to need to hear the words of jesus over and over in my head especially now, but forevermore. i want to remember the words "come to me all who are weary and burdened and learn from me." if there was anyone who had the right to be anxious or overwhelmed it was Jesus Christ. "for the joy that was set before him, [he] endured the cross." i want and need to learn from jesus. i have something so amazing and wonderful to look forward to and the fear of anxiety is crippling me from enjoying it... but jesus knew he would suffer, die, and be humiliated on a cross but he served and loved unconditionally those around him and lived to do the will of the Father.
Jesus,
teach me to be more like you. i dont want to be you, or act like you, or look like you. i want you to be in me and live and dwell in my innermost being. i want to respond like you did and always do. i want to respond in patience and compassion. i want to see things from your perspective. i want to see things from a heavenly, eternal viewpoint. i want to remember that i am not my own. i want to remember this is not my home. but more than anything right now make this true in my life: "the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not want."
always,
your servant.

YOLO?

im not hating on yolo, or anyone who enjoys using it for that matter. the simple fact is that its actually put things in perspective for me. when most people think of yolo they usually think that we must live each day like its our last, which will look different for each person. but the gist of the saying is to live with no regrets, enjoy life, whether partying, relaxing, or whatever it may be. 

the second half of the ingredients that went into making this post is the overwhelming amount of death lately. i mean really death isnt anymore prevalent than it was yesterday or 50 years ago. but, it just seems like in the past couple weeks i have heard and known of several people who unexpectedly died. its just sad. death is so real, so permanent, so in your face, so unbiased, so gut wrenching, so alive? 

so i lay in bed and make myself miserable crying over the people in my life who arent even dead, or make myself miserable worrying about every move the one i love makes. the verse that keeps running through my mind is psalm 90:12...teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

here's to a confession. im in need of a heart change. i need to stop living like i believe yolo. we dont only live once, we will live again. i need to be reminded and to be rebuked by my good heavenly Father. becuase sometimes, a lot of times, this life seems so important. i have a family i am more than thankful for, and a love that im absolutely crazy about. yet, i will miss the glory of god on earth if i continue to hold onto those good things high above jesus. 

open up our eyes jesus. let us see the world and blessings from an eternal perspective. this is but a moment. im tired of walking in fear of what tomorrow holds. im tired of the fear of losing someone. 

TEACH ME TO NUMBER EACH DAY. its a blessing, not by means of what i deserve. the lord gives and takes away. 

i hate to break it to you guys, but yolo has caused me grief. maybe i just cant handle it. maybe i need to remember and first and true Love. maybe this world has swayed my heart. we dont only live once. we will live again. Lord, help us not to fear the days that you have made. you alone are good and glorious. our circumstances do not change that about you.