feeling engaged.

life kind of feels like a dream right now. im not sure if i am still seasick from the dinner cruise on saturday, or if life truly is a dream right now. the reason i want to write this blog is to remind myself what being engaged really is about. i never imagined myself getting married, being engaged, or planning a wedding for that matter. therefore, when i met derek and realized that he is the man i want to spend the rest of my life with, it was such a blessing. he changed my perspective on love, romance, and marriage. and because of that, now that we are engaged, i feel unprepared. i feel anxious. i feel overwhlemed. i just want to marry my best friend, and walk this journey of life together.
so.. just as marriage is to be a reflection of jesus and the church, i want to make our engagement reflect that as well. i want to act, plan, and delegate as a reflection of jesus and the church. i want to be faithful to jesus first, then to derek, then to the wedding planning. im going to need to hear the words of jesus over and over in my head especially now, but forevermore. i want to remember the words "come to me all who are weary and burdened and learn from me." if there was anyone who had the right to be anxious or overwhelmed it was Jesus Christ. "for the joy that was set before him, [he] endured the cross." i want and need to learn from jesus. i have something so amazing and wonderful to look forward to and the fear of anxiety is crippling me from enjoying it... but jesus knew he would suffer, die, and be humiliated on a cross but he served and loved unconditionally those around him and lived to do the will of the Father.
Jesus,
teach me to be more like you. i dont want to be you, or act like you, or look like you. i want you to be in me and live and dwell in my innermost being. i want to respond like you did and always do. i want to respond in patience and compassion. i want to see things from your perspective. i want to see things from a heavenly, eternal viewpoint. i want to remember that i am not my own. i want to remember this is not my home. but more than anything right now make this true in my life: "the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not want."
always,
your servant.

YOLO?

im not hating on yolo, or anyone who enjoys using it for that matter. the simple fact is that its actually put things in perspective for me. when most people think of yolo they usually think that we must live each day like its our last, which will look different for each person. but the gist of the saying is to live with no regrets, enjoy life, whether partying, relaxing, or whatever it may be. 

the second half of the ingredients that went into making this post is the overwhelming amount of death lately. i mean really death isnt anymore prevalent than it was yesterday or 50 years ago. but, it just seems like in the past couple weeks i have heard and known of several people who unexpectedly died. its just sad. death is so real, so permanent, so in your face, so unbiased, so gut wrenching, so alive? 

so i lay in bed and make myself miserable crying over the people in my life who arent even dead, or make myself miserable worrying about every move the one i love makes. the verse that keeps running through my mind is psalm 90:12...teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

here's to a confession. im in need of a heart change. i need to stop living like i believe yolo. we dont only live once, we will live again. i need to be reminded and to be rebuked by my good heavenly Father. becuase sometimes, a lot of times, this life seems so important. i have a family i am more than thankful for, and a love that im absolutely crazy about. yet, i will miss the glory of god on earth if i continue to hold onto those good things high above jesus. 

open up our eyes jesus. let us see the world and blessings from an eternal perspective. this is but a moment. im tired of walking in fear of what tomorrow holds. im tired of the fear of losing someone. 

TEACH ME TO NUMBER EACH DAY. its a blessing, not by means of what i deserve. the lord gives and takes away. 

i hate to break it to you guys, but yolo has caused me grief. maybe i just cant handle it. maybe i need to remember and first and true Love. maybe this world has swayed my heart. we dont only live once. we will live again. Lord, help us not to fear the days that you have made. you alone are good and glorious. our circumstances do not change that about you.

The Holy Spirit will help you die...

So I am writing an essay for my Theological Ethics class and its on the moral vision of 1 Peter. What this means is what is the imperatives or commands for the Church in the way Peter lays out his essay. I am using Richard Hays' three focal images (lenses) of cross, community, and new creation. ...all that to say that this has been very convicting but also very encouraging. Part of my assignment is to relate this to a situation now and how the believer should act or respond. I have chosen to talk about how to comfort someone dealing with cancer or another terminal disease. This is such a sensitive subject and its something that I cannot completely relate to, but I know that God's word is sufficient to give advice in all situations, for it is living and active. I just want to share two passages that have struck me the most and I hope them to be an encouragement. I have also taken some of this information from John Pipers studies on death and dying. 1 Peter 4:12 "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you, as though something strange were happening to you." We should expect trials. Not only does this help us to deal with them, but more importantly it allow us to praise God instead of being angry or bitter. It allows us to share in them rather than isolate ourselves. It allows us to think of death rather than pretend its not real. It allows us to have a deep rooted good theology of God rather than just loving God. Church, expect trials. Paraphrasing John Piper he says that some trials given to sinners to condemn them are the same ones used on the saints to refine them. Be ready and willing. Secondly and primarily, 1 Peter 4:14, "If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you." You can take a deep breath now because you know you're not going down alone. When trials come there is one emotion that outweighs them all, hopelessness. this may manifests itself in many ways; anger, sadness, depression, bitterness, but its all a loss of hope. But we must remember that the Spirit is the one who REMINDS us of Jesus and he reminds us of our salvation and he reminds us that we are Gods and he reminds us that this is not our home. And on that day, when all is hopeless, the Sprit of glory rests on you and will remind you of what you need to remember...that death is not the end, but the beginning of life. The Holy Spirit will help you die.

finals. AHH.

its the week before finals. anyone who has been in college at least one semester can testify this is the worst week. maybe i'm exaggerating, but there is a reason for that. two reasons: first the teachers decide to assign everything to be due this week. so all the papers that i've been dreading are due this week. second is that all the classes drag on because you know its practically the last time you'll be in class and all you can think about is summer and how its going to be hot and it'll be fun and you can read whatever you want and you don't have to be overwhelmed at reading all the 100s of books that the teachers assign and you can sleep in and.... well maybe i went a little overboard. but you get the picture. i hope. well its time to persevere. i cannot wait to be with my man and enjoy quality time together. its no fun living without your best friend. but its still worth it because jesus makes all things worth it.