3 lessons in 3 years...

"To be loved but not known is comforting, but superficial.

To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. 

But to be fully known and truly loved, is well, a lot like being loved by God.

It is what we need more than anything."

I am going to steal the three things I've learned [about marriage] in three years from this quote above.

1. to be loved, but not known is comforting, but superficial...

...which is true, but is also where we all started in this marriage journey.

Very few of us would have said on the day of our wedding that our spouse didn't really "know" us.
But, the truth is they didn't. 
I loved Derek, like loved him, when we got married. And, I would say that he knew me better than almost anyone has. 
But looking back, it was exactly this, we loved each other but weren't known by each other. 
This is how marriage starts off... and there are probably some laughing at me who have been married for 20 years because we are still in the "starting off" stage. 
3 years ago I loved Derek. 
Today, I know Derek [more]. 
It would be a tragedy to stay loving someone without knowing them...
In fact I don't know if you can? Which leads to lesson #2.

2. to be known and not loved is our greatest fear....

...and boy isn't it! 
It's a crazy mysterious, sick and twisted game in marriage where you realize how crappy of a person you are or how bad you are at loving or how selfish you are, so you pull back, hide, coverup, or puff up, and never let yourself be known. 
to be "known" isn't cute or romantic.... ITS HARD, ugly, humbling, messy...
to be known is to be vulnerable. 
to be known was to allow Derek to see that I am actually going to disappoint him as a wife. 
I will not meet all of his expectations. 
I will not always be that girl of his dreams. 
If there is ANYTHING [yet] I have learned in marriage is that being "known" is worth the risk. Its worth it because if you don't go to those hard, ugly, humbling, messy places you will never be able to love each other well; it will always be superficial. 
this past year Derek has seen me at some of my absolute worst times. there were moments I was ashamed and embarrassed and I wanted to hide because I couldn't bare being known like that. 
But, he saw through that because he knows me, and because he knows me he was able to love me in ways I didn't even know I needed...
This might sound all vague and cute, but its anything but that.

This is a day by day, commitment to being known and knowing him. 

Marriage is a day by day [shoot, minute by minute] commitment to knowing and being known.

3. so, being fully known and truly loved, is a lot like being loved by God. 

The way you let yourself be known might say a lot about your love relationship with Jesus...
The more I allowed myself to receive the love, mercy, and grace of God, the more I let myself be known by Derek.
See, we have ourselves disillusioned if we think these relationships aren't intimately intertwined. 

This is the love we long for. Our hearts are restless, searching for the "one" who will know us and love us for exactly who we are. 

But its not our marriage that will give us that security.

The secret is... it was never really meant to be about marriage.

The more we recognize that we are fully known by God and even still completely loved by Him, the more it frees us to be known and loved by our spouses.

So, being fully known and truly loved is a lot like being loved by God.
More so, being known and chosen in marriage is a fragile, messy picture of being bought by Jesus.

Once again, 3 years in and the message is still the same.

Jesus.

Marriage advice to myself [and to you]:
...if you want to be fully known and truly loved, you must revel in the reality that you are fully know and truly loved by God.

"It is what we need more than anything..."

Derek John Price,
I love you more every day and promise to know you for the rest of my life.

To many more years of being known and loved by Jesus....

Kourt.

Christmas is....

Good morning. 

When I woke up this morning my phone reminded me that tomorrow is Christmas eve (just in case I had forgotten). 

But, that one little reminder got me thinking a little bit deeper about my feelings towards Christmas. 

Word around town is that this year doesn't "feel" like Christmas. I agree. I really agree.

For the first time IN MY LIFE it does not feel like Christmas.

It could be its because I go to school full-time and work part-time and jam pack every other minute of my life with reading, Netflix, and exercising. I just don't know... 

My "not feeling like Christmas" feelings have affected my reading of the Bible, my desire to watch Christmas movies, and my overall sense of joy. 

It is really pathetic and frustrating, to be honest.

Like I said before, i like to get to the root or reason for things, which leads me here right now. 

After my phone reminded me that Christmas eve is tomorrow i began thinking about what the "perfect" Christmas would feel like and BAM just like that God spoke. 

Not in an audible way, but he spoke deeply to my heart. 

This is what I thought of and how God is ministering to me during this season. 

May God deal kindly with you through this season as you wrestle with what "Christmas is..." 

____________________________________________

Christmas is.......SNOW. 

so Christmas eve is tomorrow (remember my phone told me) and its currently 60 degrees outside and RAINING. 

Im not going to comment on anything global warming but come on? Really???? It is also raining and thundering which I love, but not in the middle of winter. 

there is no chance of snow in the next 10 days and the temperature will not be falling anytime soon, so it can't possibly be Christmas time. But it is....

I never understood how people in Florida or Mexico celebrate Christmas when its hot outside. It just doesn't make sense. 

I realized so much of what Christmas is to me is SNOW.

Christmas is......family traditions.

unless you don't have any of those of course.

As I have been scrolling through facebook these past few days I have noticed all these beautiful families making beautiful sugar cookies. It is so beautiful. I love all of you who have all these family traditions. 

But, what if you don't?

I love my family dearly but we just don't do the traditional stuff. Part of me feels like I am missing out on "Christmas," ya know????  

Maybe it doesn't feel like Christmas to you or to me because we don't have family traditions. 

Christmas is......family.

What a true, true blessing family is. Until Christmas.

I'm just kidding. Kind of. 

Christmas is one of those "seasons" where its about getting together with family; laughing, drinking hot cocoa and wine, and sharing stories. 

But, what if you lost your mom or dad this year, what if you brother or sister isn't coming home, and what if your family hurts you? 

What if your family has fallen apart and you no longer get together anymore?

What if your family stresses you out more than comforts?

What if your family is not a blessing to your life?

Maybe is doesn't "feel" like Christmas because Christmas is having a perfect family. '

Christmas is......presents.

Then the time comes when your kids tell you what they want and no matter how much you saved or worked your tale off you just wont be able to afford it. 

Then, you "feel" like a terrible mom, dad, or grandma, and it couldn't possibly be Christmas because the kids didn't get what they asked "Santa" for (don't get me started). 

Maybe you look at your tree with only 2 or 3 presents under it and you feel sad and lonely.

Or maybe you look at a tree filled with presents and realize you sold your soul to give everyone everything they wanted.

Or maybe there is nothing for you under the tree and though you love your family you wish someone loved you..

Maybe it doesn't "feel" like Christmas because Christmas isn't presents. 

Christmas isn't any of those things. Or the thousand other ways we define Christmas.

Christmas isn't your peppermint mocha in your RED (cough cough) cup. 

Christmas isn't making a list and checking it twice (or ordering off Amazon Prime two days before Christmas).

Christmas isn't trying to be a good person this time of year (i work with the public yall and most of you get grouchier).

Christmas isn't putting a sweater on your dog and making sure your kids match (btw Jo didn't like the sweater).

These things are not BAD at all...they just AREN'T CHRISTMAS. 

and i think thats why we're are all depressed and feeling all the feelings this year.

(if anything I am just speaking about my own heart, feel free to engage or not)....

Christmas really is......Jesus.

Yes, the real answer happens to the be the same one as in Sunday school. 

Christmas really is all about Jesus.

And, not in the way where you use him as an excuse or shove him down everyone's throat. 

Not in the way you say "merry CHRISTmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" because of Jesus. 

and definitely not in the way you threaten your kids to be good because of Jesus. 

Jesus is Christmas because he is all of those things we really desire about this season. 

He is the one who makes our hearts flutter with comfort and joy.

He is the one with whom we find all our meaning and insecurities met. 

GUYS-- Jesus is the One we've been longing for. He is the guy.

Why do we want snow and cold weather?? 

because it CONSISTENT, year after year, and it reminds of to snuggle in and for a second there is peace in the world and we are reminded of how small we are. 

Jesus is the consistent one, never changing, always gracious and merciful, never leaving or forsaking. he washes his grace over the crazy in our lives like white fresh snow and for a second we can't help but to pause and feel small. 

Why do we want family traditions???

because we want to be a part of something magical and traditional. we want the consistency of love and nurturing. we want to make cookies not because we give two craps about cookies but because our moms and grandmas love us and teach us about life. 

Jesus has called us into his family where he walks hand in hand and teaches us the ins and outs and the highs and lows of life, promising it is for our good. He gives us the fmaily we want and desire so deeply. 

Why do we want presents????

because we want to be seen, noticed, acknowledged, loved, and sought out. we want someone to know us so well that they would give us exactly what we need and desire. 

Jesus knows what we want before you ask him. look around you right now. you see a warm couch, a consistent job, a baby or toddler, or a warm lunch. thats is your gift!

Jesus is our greatest gift and until we realize and embrace Him all other gifts will leave us depressed, disappointed, covetous, and miserable. 

Until we realize that Jesus is Christmas we will be left with all these "feelings" that suck the life out of us and leave us empty. 

So, if you're feeling like me this year ask yourself what Christmas is to you...

Let the God of mercy wash over your feelings of Christmas this year and give you a fresh glimpse of his goodness in Jesus. 

love you,

Kourt. 

year two reflections

First and foremost I must say happy anniversary to the man of my reality, Derek John.

I would say he is the man of my dreams, but I didn’t really have one of those.

For those of you out there who wonder how I ended up married at the ripe old age of 22; here you go.

…it goes like this:

(don’t worry, the life lesson is at the end)

Derek was 20. Kourtney was 15. Those ages don’t go together. But that’s when I met Derek.

I was a young girl, passionate about this Jesus who just saved my life, and not a boy in sight on my radar. He was a college guy. I was in junior high. He was “cool” and he knew it. He was the best friend of one of my best friend’s older brother. I remember vividly thinking (maybe saying), “I will never be with someone like him…” (I’ll spare you the details why).

Fast-forward 5 years. I am 20. Derek is 25. Our lives meet up again and at a much more appropriate age range. Derek and I “happen” to be in the same Bible study with many mutual friends. When I saw him, I’m not going to lie, I judged. But when he opened his mouth I’ll never forget my reaction… “Who is this guy and what happened to him?”

He was full of grace, compassion, humility, love for Jesus, and love for others; all of which still reign true.

But, I was not interested. Not even a little bit. Nope. No way.

…but he was.

I always tell this story saying HE WOULD NOT LEAVE ME ALONE.

And while that is true…I am wildly glad he didn’t.

SIDENOTE:

I told myself when I was younger than I didn’t want to get married. I had never really seen a healthy marriage that I desired, and I honestly thought I would be better off by myself. I was independent and self-sufficient. I did not need or want a man. I did not dream of my wedding day or pick our all of my kids names. I had my dreams, goals, aspirations; I was going to make something of myself. I was content. I loved Jesus and really felt just fine. Plus, I knew if I dated someone it would be serious and that would be it.

ENDNOTE

He scared me. He wanted me. Me?

He dated me, even when I told him we weren’t dating. He sent me flowers even when I told him I hated flowers (which duh, is a lie). He paid for my meals, which is like a big no-no for an independent girl like me. He called instead of texted (which was weird). He made me mad. He didn’t listen to me. He didn’t respect my decision not to be with him.

But, after all he knew something I didn’t.

So, one day on a walk with a friend we had a conversation that changed my life.

She said for many women not dating someone is stepping out in faith, but maybe for you dating Derek is your step of faith.

I was afraid. At the root of my being was FEAR. I was afraid he would hurt me and that I would fall in love and he would forsake me and I would be angry with myself for giving in.

But, I trusted him….and still do.

This is how God works: he gives us the things we desperately need for growing in holiness whether or not we know we need them.

Hear this clearly: I was not looking for a husband, boyfriend, or soul mate. I did not want to be married at 22. BUT…it has been my most treasured gift and what I needed.

God gave me Derek for my good, to grow in holiness and Christ-likeness, to refine me and strip me of sin and selfishness (which is a lifelong process) and the by-product (not the purpose) is joy and happiness. 

            I did not and do not deserve Derek’s love.

I have not earned it, attained, or maintained it.

I would have been a miserable, proud, self-sufficient woman if God had not intervened and given me in marriage. it was God's mercy.

My dear friend Dana once said, “I think God gave us marriage because it’s one of the best ways of dying to yourself.” True.

To that end… that is how Derek became my man, but Jesus still remains the man of my dreams.

So, what has this year taught me/us…?

            “the first year is the hardest” is not true (for everyone).

            There will be harder days.

I don’t know if its some old wives’ tale but I just don’t believe it.

Year two of our marriage has been harder than the first. Like a lot harder.

But, that’s not the only reason I disagree & this is why:

I saw a mom and wife with two young boys lose the love of her life in year 5.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw at least 4 celebrity couples walk away from their spouses in year 3,4, 10 & 13.

I think those were their hardest years.

I saw a woman and her husband struggling with infertility in year 2…3…4…

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a couple wondering who they were after all their kids were gone and out of the house in year 20.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a couple loose their baby in year 2.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a woman who’s husband left her for another woman in year 19.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a wife wait in fear for her husband’s return as he is deployed overseas in year 5.

 I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a wife stand by her man as he battled cancer in year 50.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a wife lay her husband to rest after he lost his battle to cancer in year 56.

I think that was their hardest year.

SO, I am humbled and brought to tears at the heartbreak and devastation of the hardest years.

But don’t let it fool us; the first year is not the hardest.

Our second year, will not be the hardest.

As we press on, keeping our eye on the prize, we know what lies ahead.

Our dear friends who recently celebrated 50 years of marriage told us this:

“Just wait, the last 30 years are the best.”

Whatever year you are in, maybe its year 0 or maybe you started over. Hold fast…. The tough times are coming.

I mean the really tough times.

But so are the good ones.

There is nothing in this world that will hold us together. No beauty. No years. No commitment.

Nothing, but the blood of Jesus.

So, we may have had a rough year 2…but we praise Jesus all the more for holding us together.

He is the faithful one who will sustain us.

Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day. (2 Timothy 1:12)

Derek,

Thank you for these first 2 years, where God has molded, stretched, and refined us more than ever before. I’ve never been a part of something so mundane, yet so much bigger than us. Thank you for your love for Jesus. He is our greatest joy and fellowship. You are my greatest gift and grace. Cheers to 48 more years. Happy anniversary baby.

I love you more than love.

Your wife,

Kourtney

what's the point?

I am one of those people that loves to reflect on the past (and current situations).
I want to learn from it, talk about it, reminisce, and decide what the best part was. 
If you listen closely, I almost always end a story with "the point is...." or "the moral of the story is..." or "all that to say..." and I get to my point. 
Since I was a little girl I thought that there has to be something more to the story. 
I mean c'mon, Cinderella didn't just lose her shoe people; there was a reason why she lost her shoe. (It was "fate" or something) 
I see the details in the story as important, but I deeply believe that they embellish and beautify the main point. (This is the details part of my blog, so hold on, I will get to the main point of this post).
I realized this obsessive/compulsive-main-point-neediness in marriage x100. 
Derek takes his time when he tells me a story...and he is bound to tell me the same story probably 5 times (God love him). I would listen well for the first few times, but eventually I could barely handle myself..sitting on the edge of my seat about to attack him just waiting to hear the main point. 
There have also been times where he has told me a story and there was NO main point.....WHATTTTT???? (Yes I am learning there is such thing). 
I am impatient, needy, and aggressive when it comes to the main point of the story... and left pretty sad and disappointed without one. 
After almost everything Derek does I ask him WHY? "Why did you do that?" Why do you think you made that decision?" What did that show you?" 
I know I know, you're probably thinking 'poor guy,' but its not as controlling as it sounds I promise. I honestly and deeply want to know the reasons...the purposes....the motives....and the main point....whether its a sermon, a story, a book, a movie, or a simple life change, the resounding brain chime is what's the point??

SO, as Derek and I are approaching 1 simply gracious year of marriage, I have been looking for the point. 

I "know" (quotations represent the inconsistency between my head and heart) the meaning of marriage. During our engagement we listened to so many marriage sermons I could have preached you to sleep with my understanding of marriage and the gospel. 
BUT, just like they told us...it gets hard to remember the point, especially when your not to the end yet. 
See that's the funny thing about Christianity.... We know the end, the point, the purpose, and the reasons.....But we are still living life here in the present. 
Its backwards, difficult, confusing, and pretty much opposite of how the rest of the world functions. Doing life in union with Jesus is different (I'm learning). 
I live my life, knowing the end: Christ will take me home with him, the point: Christ should and will be praised and glorified above all things, the purpose; by abiding in Christ and making disciples I am being sanctified and made holy each day by the blood of Christ, and the reasons: Christ showed the greatest mercy and grace so I am free to rest in his perfect love. I "know" the gospel and I "know" about marriage.... But at times I forget that they go hand in hand and I forget the point. 

Let me be honest for a minute- there have been times this past year where I laid my head on my pillow and asked myself why people get married. Then I lay there and come up with a bunch of superficial reasons such as kids are great, lifelong bestie, and then I blank...... 
because at the end of the day those things don't satisfy my heart's longing for a purpose in this marriage thing. 
I forget the point. 

By God's great grace he has allowed Derek and I into some intense arguments about how to love each other. 
We have hurt each other with our words because we are sinful. 
But, it is his mercy, I know, because he continually leads us back to the point... 
When we are fighting and sucking at being a spouse, there ain't nothing about future (or present) kids or being best friends that makes me want to work it out. 
At the end of the day my sinful and selfish heart thinks I know best, can be best, and needs only the best. 
I need the point.

I had this funny version of Derek and I in my head before we got married... I laugh now because I had no idea what life would be like everyday with him. 
Like I told you earlier, I know the purpose of marriage: it is to put on display for the world what the relationship with Christ and the Church looks like. It is a beautiful picture of sacrifice and submission... with rainbows and butterflies and lilies (of course.)However, along the way I realized I had the wrong picture. I replaced beautiful with plastic and thought we had to show the world that we love and smile and kiss each other all the time and forgive each other so quickly and move on as if nothing happened. 
That's just not true. Marriage, like anything else, is real life.The point of marriage is not to show a perfect marriage... it is to show that despite my emotions, my selfish heart, and my rational and logical thoughts, I will not forsake you.
Why wouldn't I forsake you? 
Because the point is Christ.  The point is Christ will not forsake those he has called his Bride and man oh man have I done everything in the book for him to run..... The point is to point to a perfect God.



Thank you Lord for this past year! Thank you for pouring out your mercy on Derek and I. You loved me before I loved you, and its your Jesus that gives me all motivation and purpose to live. Thank you for giving me a love that brings me much joy, laughter, grace and continually points me back to the You, the greatest love.

your daughter,
Kourtney 

5 reasons why birthdays matter

Today is Derek's 28th birthday and I woke up so excited, telling him happy birthday every 5 minutes and making cheesy comments like, "have a good day birthday boy!"

But, Derek is not so into his birthday and never really has been.
He says birthdays are just another day....but I beg to differ.

I want to be sensitive, however, because I know with birthdays comes a lot of pain and bad memories. But because of that I want to give 5 reasons why birthdays matter to me and hopefully you. 

Birthdays matter because...

1. being born is a privilege and blessing...

Awhile back I watched a Netflix documentary called "It's a Girl" which reported the gendercide that is happening in places like China and India, where baby girls are being killed at extreme rates. This documentary reported that there are 200 million girls that should be alive today if they hadn't been killed.
In America alone, on average 1.21 million babies are aborted each year (link to stats). Again, I want to be sensitive towards men and women who have had abortions because God's grace in Jesus Christ is sufficient to forgive all of ours sins. I only put those statistics up to say that being born is not the usual.
My mom and dad surprisingly got pregnant with me outside of marriage when my mom was so the ripe young age of 20. It would have normal or maybe even socially acceptable for her to abort me, but I am so thankful that she didn't.
I know there are many children who wish they hadn't been born or at least not into their family, and its understandable.
But, birthdays matter because being born is a blessing.

2. they are foreknown...

You are not a mistake, accident, or happenstance.
Each birthday we celebrate is a day of resting that God planned for me to be here.
Psalm 139 is beautiful song by David reflecting on the Lord's goodness before he was even born.

In 139:16 David says, "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

There is not one day that goes by that has taken God by surprise, not one struggle, heartache, or celebration.
So, birthdays matter because we can rest in the sovereignty of God, knowing that he has foreknown and counted all of our days.

3. it reflects a greater birth...

This point can go in two different directions.
First, birthdays matter because God decided out of all his infinite ways to enter the world by being born as a baby.
Because of that one day everything as we knew it has changed, our calendars reflect it, the way we date years is surrounded around that one day.
We celebrate Chrsitimas each year because the mighty and glorious God of the universe humbled himself to be born of a woman and to be a vulnerable baby boy.
The birth of Jesus is important for so many reasons, but one reason is because Christ truly identified himself with his children.
The sacrifice of Christ is sufficient for all who believe in Him because he was born as a baby, grew as a teenager, and lived as an adult in perfect obedience to God the Father on our behalf.
So, rejoice in your birth, knowing its not arbitrary but a beautiful reflection of God's redemptive plan.

However, the act of being born of a woman is not enough to save us or to bring us into perfect relationship with God.
When babies are born they are a fresh slate...we are unaware of their personalities, characteristics, and gifts. Although they may be predisposed to certain family sin, we don't know who they are or what they will struggle with. As they grow they are shaped and molded by their family into the mature adult they become.
Birthdays matter because they reflect the greater birth, the new birth that happens through the work of the Holy Spirit. In this birth we are washed white as snow and our sins are remembered so more.
As we grow in the knowledge of Christ and as he draws us nearer to him we are shaped by Jesus into our final maturity we will experience in eternity.

4. we look forward to the everlasting celebration....

why party on birthdays? Cause we are celebrating life.... and why not add a little cake to the mix?
But really, we gather together with our friends and family, the ones we love the most, and celebrate someones life. We literally have a party to celebrate life.
In heaven, we will be gathered together with our family, our brothers and sisters in Christ,  and celebrate everlasting life with our Lord and Savior.
So, birthdays matter because they give us a longing for the eternal celebration of life to come...

Revelation 19:1-2

After this I heard what sounded like the roar of a great multitude in heaven shouting:“Hallelujah!Salvation and glory and power belong to our God, for true and just are his judgments.He has condemned the great prostitute who corrupted the earth by her adulteries.He has avenged on her the blood of his servants.”

5. we are not promised the next one...

everyone says it..... "live for today" "carpe diem"
i want to leave you with Psalm 90, which is written by Moses, a man of God.
after traveling in the desert with the grumbling israelites for 40 years, i think Moses might know a thing or two about the fragility of life...
Birthdays matter because we get the opportunity to reflect on, praise, and thank God for the unconditional grace he has given us for the past ___ years. We pray for more, but we know our days are limited. He brought us up from dust, breathed life into us, and out of his goodness gives us many days of life.

Psalm 90...

 Lord, you have been our dwelling place

in all generations.

 Before the mountains were brought forth,

or ever you had formed the earth and the world,

from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

 You return man to dust

and say, “Return, O children of man!”

 For a thousand years in your sight

are but as yesterday when it is past,

or as a watch in the night.

 You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream,

like grass that is renewed in the morning:

 in the morning it flourishes and is renewed;

in the evening it fades and withers.

 For we are brought to an end by your anger;

by your wrath we are dismayed.

 You have set our iniquities before you,

our secret sins in the light of your presence.

 For all our days pass away under your wrath;

we bring our years to an end like a sigh.

 The years of our life are seventy,

or even by reason of strength eighty;

yet their span is but toil and trouble;

they are soon gone, and we fly away.

 Who considers the power of your anger,

and your wrath according to the fear of you?

 So teach us to number our days

that we may get a heart of wisdom.

 Return, O Lord! How long?

Have pity on your servants!

 Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,

that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,

and for as many years as we have seen evil.

 Let your work be shown to your servants,

and your glorious power to their children.

 Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,

and establish the work of our hands upon us;

yes, establish the work of our hands!