year two reflections

First and foremost I must say happy anniversary to the man of my reality, Derek John.

I would say he is the man of my dreams, but I didn’t really have one of those.

For those of you out there who wonder how I ended up married at the ripe old age of 22; here you go.

…it goes like this:

(don’t worry, the life lesson is at the end)

Derek was 20. Kourtney was 15. Those ages don’t go together. But that’s when I met Derek.

I was a young girl, passionate about this Jesus who just saved my life, and not a boy in sight on my radar. He was a college guy. I was in junior high. He was “cool” and he knew it. He was the best friend of one of my best friend’s older brother. I remember vividly thinking (maybe saying), “I will never be with someone like him…” (I’ll spare you the details why).

Fast-forward 5 years. I am 20. Derek is 25. Our lives meet up again and at a much more appropriate age range. Derek and I “happen” to be in the same Bible study with many mutual friends. When I saw him, I’m not going to lie, I judged. But when he opened his mouth I’ll never forget my reaction… “Who is this guy and what happened to him?”

He was full of grace, compassion, humility, love for Jesus, and love for others; all of which still reign true.

But, I was not interested. Not even a little bit. Nope. No way.

…but he was.

I always tell this story saying HE WOULD NOT LEAVE ME ALONE.

And while that is true…I am wildly glad he didn’t.

SIDENOTE:

I told myself when I was younger than I didn’t want to get married. I had never really seen a healthy marriage that I desired, and I honestly thought I would be better off by myself. I was independent and self-sufficient. I did not need or want a man. I did not dream of my wedding day or pick our all of my kids names. I had my dreams, goals, aspirations; I was going to make something of myself. I was content. I loved Jesus and really felt just fine. Plus, I knew if I dated someone it would be serious and that would be it.

ENDNOTE

He scared me. He wanted me. Me?

He dated me, even when I told him we weren’t dating. He sent me flowers even when I told him I hated flowers (which duh, is a lie). He paid for my meals, which is like a big no-no for an independent girl like me. He called instead of texted (which was weird). He made me mad. He didn’t listen to me. He didn’t respect my decision not to be with him.

But, after all he knew something I didn’t.

So, one day on a walk with a friend we had a conversation that changed my life.

She said for many women not dating someone is stepping out in faith, but maybe for you dating Derek is your step of faith.

I was afraid. At the root of my being was FEAR. I was afraid he would hurt me and that I would fall in love and he would forsake me and I would be angry with myself for giving in.

But, I trusted him….and still do.

This is how God works: he gives us the things we desperately need for growing in holiness whether or not we know we need them.

Hear this clearly: I was not looking for a husband, boyfriend, or soul mate. I did not want to be married at 22. BUT…it has been my most treasured gift and what I needed.

God gave me Derek for my good, to grow in holiness and Christ-likeness, to refine me and strip me of sin and selfishness (which is a lifelong process) and the by-product (not the purpose) is joy and happiness. 

            I did not and do not deserve Derek’s love.

I have not earned it, attained, or maintained it.

I would have been a miserable, proud, self-sufficient woman if God had not intervened and given me in marriage. it was God's mercy.

My dear friend Dana once said, “I think God gave us marriage because it’s one of the best ways of dying to yourself.” True.

To that end… that is how Derek became my man, but Jesus still remains the man of my dreams.

So, what has this year taught me/us…?

            “the first year is the hardest” is not true (for everyone).

            There will be harder days.

I don’t know if its some old wives’ tale but I just don’t believe it.

Year two of our marriage has been harder than the first. Like a lot harder.

But, that’s not the only reason I disagree & this is why:

I saw a mom and wife with two young boys lose the love of her life in year 5.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw at least 4 celebrity couples walk away from their spouses in year 3,4, 10 & 13.

I think those were their hardest years.

I saw a woman and her husband struggling with infertility in year 2…3…4…

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a couple wondering who they were after all their kids were gone and out of the house in year 20.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a couple loose their baby in year 2.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a woman who’s husband left her for another woman in year 19.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a wife wait in fear for her husband’s return as he is deployed overseas in year 5.

 I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a wife stand by her man as he battled cancer in year 50.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a wife lay her husband to rest after he lost his battle to cancer in year 56.

I think that was their hardest year.

SO, I am humbled and brought to tears at the heartbreak and devastation of the hardest years.

But don’t let it fool us; the first year is not the hardest.

Our second year, will not be the hardest.

As we press on, keeping our eye on the prize, we know what lies ahead.

Our dear friends who recently celebrated 50 years of marriage told us this:

“Just wait, the last 30 years are the best.”

Whatever year you are in, maybe its year 0 or maybe you started over. Hold fast…. The tough times are coming.

I mean the really tough times.

But so are the good ones.

There is nothing in this world that will hold us together. No beauty. No years. No commitment.

Nothing, but the blood of Jesus.

So, we may have had a rough year 2…but we praise Jesus all the more for holding us together.

He is the faithful one who will sustain us.

Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day. (2 Timothy 1:12)

Derek,

Thank you for these first 2 years, where God has molded, stretched, and refined us more than ever before. I’ve never been a part of something so mundane, yet so much bigger than us. Thank you for your love for Jesus. He is our greatest joy and fellowship. You are my greatest gift and grace. Cheers to 48 more years. Happy anniversary baby.

I love you more than love.

Your wife,

Kourtney

what's the point?

I am one of those people that loves to reflect on the past (and current situations).
I want to learn from it, talk about it, reminisce, and decide what the best part was. 
If you listen closely, I almost always end a story with "the point is...." or "the moral of the story is..." or "all that to say..." and I get to my point. 
Since I was a little girl I thought that there has to be something more to the story. 
I mean c'mon, Cinderella didn't just lose her shoe people; there was a reason why she lost her shoe. (It was "fate" or something) 
I see the details in the story as important, but I deeply believe that they embellish and beautify the main point. (This is the details part of my blog, so hold on, I will get to the main point of this post).
I realized this obsessive/compulsive-main-point-neediness in marriage x100. 
Derek takes his time when he tells me a story...and he is bound to tell me the same story probably 5 times (God love him). I would listen well for the first few times, but eventually I could barely handle myself..sitting on the edge of my seat about to attack him just waiting to hear the main point. 
There have also been times where he has told me a story and there was NO main point.....WHATTTTT???? (Yes I am learning there is such thing). 
I am impatient, needy, and aggressive when it comes to the main point of the story... and left pretty sad and disappointed without one. 
After almost everything Derek does I ask him WHY? "Why did you do that?" Why do you think you made that decision?" What did that show you?" 
I know I know, you're probably thinking 'poor guy,' but its not as controlling as it sounds I promise. I honestly and deeply want to know the reasons...the purposes....the motives....and the main point....whether its a sermon, a story, a book, a movie, or a simple life change, the resounding brain chime is what's the point??

SO, as Derek and I are approaching 1 simply gracious year of marriage, I have been looking for the point. 

I "know" (quotations represent the inconsistency between my head and heart) the meaning of marriage. During our engagement we listened to so many marriage sermons I could have preached you to sleep with my understanding of marriage and the gospel. 
BUT, just like they told us...it gets hard to remember the point, especially when your not to the end yet. 
See that's the funny thing about Christianity.... We know the end, the point, the purpose, and the reasons.....But we are still living life here in the present. 
Its backwards, difficult, confusing, and pretty much opposite of how the rest of the world functions. Doing life in union with Jesus is different (I'm learning). 
I live my life, knowing the end: Christ will take me home with him, the point: Christ should and will be praised and glorified above all things, the purpose; by abiding in Christ and making disciples I am being sanctified and made holy each day by the blood of Christ, and the reasons: Christ showed the greatest mercy and grace so I am free to rest in his perfect love. I "know" the gospel and I "know" about marriage.... But at times I forget that they go hand in hand and I forget the point. 

Let me be honest for a minute- there have been times this past year where I laid my head on my pillow and asked myself why people get married. Then I lay there and come up with a bunch of superficial reasons such as kids are great, lifelong bestie, and then I blank...... 
because at the end of the day those things don't satisfy my heart's longing for a purpose in this marriage thing. 
I forget the point. 

By God's great grace he has allowed Derek and I into some intense arguments about how to love each other. 
We have hurt each other with our words because we are sinful. 
But, it is his mercy, I know, because he continually leads us back to the point... 
When we are fighting and sucking at being a spouse, there ain't nothing about future (or present) kids or being best friends that makes me want to work it out. 
At the end of the day my sinful and selfish heart thinks I know best, can be best, and needs only the best. 
I need the point.

I had this funny version of Derek and I in my head before we got married... I laugh now because I had no idea what life would be like everyday with him. 
Like I told you earlier, I know the purpose of marriage: it is to put on display for the world what the relationship with Christ and the Church looks like. It is a beautiful picture of sacrifice and submission... with rainbows and butterflies and lilies (of course.)However, along the way I realized I had the wrong picture. I replaced beautiful with plastic and thought we had to show the world that we love and smile and kiss each other all the time and forgive each other so quickly and move on as if nothing happened. 
That's just not true. Marriage, like anything else, is real life.The point of marriage is not to show a perfect marriage... it is to show that despite my emotions, my selfish heart, and my rational and logical thoughts, I will not forsake you.
Why wouldn't I forsake you? 
Because the point is Christ.  The point is Christ will not forsake those he has called his Bride and man oh man have I done everything in the book for him to run..... The point is to point to a perfect God.



Thank you Lord for this past year! Thank you for pouring out your mercy on Derek and I. You loved me before I loved you, and its your Jesus that gives me all motivation and purpose to live. Thank you for giving me a love that brings me much joy, laughter, grace and continually points me back to the You, the greatest love.

your daughter,
Kourtney 

5 reasons why birthdays matter

Today is Derek's 28th birthday and I woke up so excited, telling him happy birthday every 5 minutes and making cheesy comments like, "have a good day birthday boy!"

But, Derek is not so into his birthday and never really has been.
He says birthdays are just another day....but I beg to differ.

I want to be sensitive, however, because I know with birthdays comes a lot of pain and bad memories. But because of that I want to give 5 reasons why birthdays matter to me and hopefully you. 

Birthdays matter because...

1. being born is a privilege and blessing...

Awhile back I watched a Netflix documentary called "It's a Girl" which reported the gendercide that is happening in places like China and India, where baby girls are being killed at extreme rates. This documentary reported that there are 200 million girls that should be alive today if they hadn't been killed.
In America alone, on average 1.21 million babies are aborted each year (link to stats). Again, I want to be sensitive towards men and women who have had abortions because God's grace in Jesus Christ is sufficient to forgive all of ours sins. I only put those statistics up to say that being born is not the usual.
My mom and dad surprisingly got pregnant with me outside of marriage when my mom was so the ripe young age of 20. It would have normal or maybe even socially acceptable for her to abort me, but I am so thankful that she didn't.
I know there are many children who wish they hadn't been born or at least not into their family, and its understandable.
But, birthdays matter because being born is a blessing.

2. they are foreknown...

You are not a mistake, accident, or happenstance.
Each birthday we celebrate is a day of resting that God planned for me to be here.
Psalm 139 is beautiful song by David reflecting on the Lord's goodness before he was even born.

In 139:16 David says, "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

There is not one day that goes by that has taken God by surprise, not one struggle, heartache, or celebration.
So, birthdays matter because we can rest in the sovereignty of God, knowing that he has foreknown and counted all of our days.

3. it reflects a greater birth...

This point can go in two different directions.
First, birthdays matter because God decided out of all his infinite ways to enter the world by being born as a baby.
Because of that one day everything as we knew it has changed, our calendars reflect it, the way we date years is surrounded around that one day.
We celebrate Chrsitimas each year because the mighty and glorious God of the universe humbled himself to be born of a woman and to be a vulnerable baby boy.
The birth of Jesus is important for so many reasons, but one reason is because Christ truly identified himself with his children.
The sacrifice of Christ is sufficient for all who believe in Him because he was born as a baby, grew as a teenager, and lived as an adult in perfect obedience to God the Father on our behalf.
So, rejoice in your birth, knowing its not arbitrary but a beautiful reflection of God's redemptive plan.

However, the act of being born of a woman is not enough to save us or to bring us into perfect relationship with God.
When babies are born they are a fresh slate...we are unaware of their personalities, characteristics, and gifts. Although they may be predisposed to certain family sin, we don't know who they are or what they will struggle with. As they grow they are shaped and molded by their family into the mature adult they become.
Birthdays matter because they reflect the greater birth, the new birth that happens through the work of the Holy Spirit. In this birth we are washed white as snow and our sins are remembered so more.
As we grow in the knowledge of Christ and as he draws us nearer to him we are shaped by Jesus into our final maturity we will experience in eternity.

4. we look forward to the everlasting celebration....

why party on birthdays? Cause we are celebrating life.... and why not add a little cake to the mix?
But really, we gather together with our friends and family, the ones we love the most, and celebrate someones life. We literally have a party to celebrate life.
In heaven, we will be gathered together with our family, our brothers and sisters in Christ,  and celebrate everlasting life with our Lord and Savior.
So, birthdays matter because they give us a longing for the eternal celebration of life to come...

Revelation 19:1-2

After this I heard what sounded like the roar of a great multitude in heaven shouting:“Hallelujah!Salvation and glory and power belong to our God, for true and just are his judgments.He has condemned the great prostitute who corrupted the earth by her adulteries.He has avenged on her the blood of his servants.”

5. we are not promised the next one...

everyone says it..... "live for today" "carpe diem"
i want to leave you with Psalm 90, which is written by Moses, a man of God.
after traveling in the desert with the grumbling israelites for 40 years, i think Moses might know a thing or two about the fragility of life...
Birthdays matter because we get the opportunity to reflect on, praise, and thank God for the unconditional grace he has given us for the past ___ years. We pray for more, but we know our days are limited. He brought us up from dust, breathed life into us, and out of his goodness gives us many days of life.

Psalm 90...

 Lord, you have been our dwelling place

in all generations.

 Before the mountains were brought forth,

or ever you had formed the earth and the world,

from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

 You return man to dust

and say, “Return, O children of man!”

 For a thousand years in your sight

are but as yesterday when it is past,

or as a watch in the night.

 You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream,

like grass that is renewed in the morning:

 in the morning it flourishes and is renewed;

in the evening it fades and withers.

 For we are brought to an end by your anger;

by your wrath we are dismayed.

 You have set our iniquities before you,

our secret sins in the light of your presence.

 For all our days pass away under your wrath;

we bring our years to an end like a sigh.

 The years of our life are seventy,

or even by reason of strength eighty;

yet their span is but toil and trouble;

they are soon gone, and we fly away.

 Who considers the power of your anger,

and your wrath according to the fear of you?

 So teach us to number our days

that we may get a heart of wisdom.

 Return, O Lord! How long?

Have pity on your servants!

 Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,

that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,

and for as many years as we have seen evil.

 Let your work be shown to your servants,

and your glorious power to their children.

 Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,

and establish the work of our hands upon us;

yes, establish the work of our hands!

i wish i knew moses

Moses is liked by everyone.

He is a prominent figure in Judaism, Islam, and Christianity... everyone likes him.

He was a righteous man, but he failed constantly.

This morning reading Deuteronomy I was so encouraged by his sacrificial leadership. 

Here he is leading the Israelites at the end of the the forty years of wandering.

THINK about that.... 40 years with these whining, complaining, grumbling people....

If there was anyone who had an excuse to walk away from the calling or despise God for the calling, it would be Moses. 

So the context for Deuteronomy 4 is that the Israelites had just conquered much of the land by the will of God and Moses is reminding his people that he will not be able to go with them into this promised land. 

WHY? ???

I would be so angry.... just thinking about Moses' situation makes me so sad for him.

He has led these disrespectful, downright disobedient people for 40 years and gets to the place where he reminded of Gods goodness, but immediately reminded of what he will be missing out on.

 

more context....

In Numbers 20 we learn why Moses is prohibited from entering the promised land. 

The Israelites, once again grumbling, are in the desert without water and Moses and Aaron plead before the Lord to give water. God tells Moses to assemble the Israelites and before their eyes speak to the rock to give water. 

Well, Moses gathers all the people around, but instead of speaking he strikes the rock twice with his staff and the water flows out.

So, whats the problem? Everyone gets water...

But Moses compromised the testimony of God's holiness before the people. 

What i never knew before reading today is that Moses SISTER & BROTHER died right before and after this situation.

Miriam died right before and Aaron died right after.... how discouraging. 

Not only is Moses unable to go into the land flowing with milk and honey... but not he has lost the two most important people to him. 

Like I said, if there was every anyone to want to quit and be bitter with God, it was Moses.

SO back to Deuteronomy 4 and why Moses amazes me. 

We have the context of who Moses is, the fact he is not entering the land, and now he is in charge of raising up a new leader, Joshua, to lead the people into the land. 

Moses is on his way out and he takes full advantage of it. 

He doesn't tell the Israelites everything he hates about them, or complain about how it was their fault he messed up. 

He reminds them of the GOOD NEWS. 

He reminds them.... 

He speaks to the people saying, "O Israel, listen to the statues and the rules that i am teaching you..."

He reminds them how great it is to have a God so near to us, whenever we call upon his name.

He reminds them not to forget what their eyes have seen, don't let it depart from your heart.

He reminds them that they have not seen God, but only heard his voice.

He reminds them of the covenant God made with them and wrote down his commandments.

He reminds them because they had not seen God's form, not to make images and not to worship the creation. 

"Take care, lest you forget the covenant of the Lord your God, which he made with you... For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." 

I can't help but think Moses was harkening back to the his mistakes he had made, or the glory of the Lord he experienced, or the miracle of God's hand. 

He knew God was jealous. He experienced God's jealousy.

He knew that God was righteous, holy, and just. 

The reason Moses amazes me is because he was a sacrificial leader.

We are all leaders in the Church like Moses, whether leading 1 or 100, young or old, male or female. 

Those disciples are going to grumble, sin, disobey, and downright disrespect God and us.

But like Moses, we are to be a living reminder. 

Moses didn't point to himself... he pointed to the God who made a covenant with them and chose them.

Would I sacrifice reward in order to lead the people of God to reward? 

If I knew I wasn't going to the promised land, would i still be able to speak of God so passionately and zealously? 

If these people had failed me so many times and given me so much heartache, could i still remind them of the goodness that lie before them and warn them of sin?

Moses did. Moses showed grace. But Moses was not perfect.

Moses points us to Christ....

Just like Moses, Jesus lost everyone close to him.

During his trial and crucifixion his best friends left his side...

In fact, it was one of his friends that handed him over and let him down.

Jesus' own people, the Jews, hated him and desired to have him killed.

Just like Moses, Jesus could have told them exactly what he felt, but instead he continually showed grace and pointed them to who God is and the covenant he has made and has come to fulfill.

Just like Moses, Jesus died without receiving earthly reward.

Jesus knew what he had to do, what he had to sacrifice. He had to give up his life...

But just like Moses, Jesus knew the will of the Father and he knew it was good despite how it looked or felt.

Moses points us to the perfect intercessor, Jesus Christ who lived perfectly and took on our grumbly, hatred, and disobedience so that we might enter the Promised Land. 

Moses points to the true Sacrificial Leader. 

every day mattered

Few weeks back my good friends Dana and Deanna and I were talking about this new book Dana is reading, called Found in Him: The Joy of the Incarnation and Our Union with Christ by Elyse Fitzpatrick (find book here). 

Dana talked about how enlightening it was and how she had never thought so much about how the Incarnation of Jesus influences our life. Deanna and I admit that we hadn't really taken the time to think about Jesus' life, like a real person doing real things. 

I think sometimes the person of Jesus is so swallowed up by his birth, death, and resurrection, that we hardly take time to think of him as God, the Incarnate. Its so true in my own life. 

Then, Dana said something that hit me sideways and changed everything I thought about the Incarnation. 

In Fitzpatrick's book, she suggests that Jesus' life was about more than being innocent. If Jesus' only purpose in coming to Earth was to be sinless or innocent, Herod could have killed him when we has a toddler, or for that matter he could have died shortly after birth, and would have been completely innocent. 

Jesus' actual life mattered, and still matters. But why?

Days went by and I just kept thinking about what she said and how profound that was. But it still didn't completely satisfy my curiosity. I kept thinking back on that verse in Hebrews 4:15,

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.

This verse helped me a little, but I still couldn't figure out what exactly God was trying to show me. As of right now the closest similarity I have to Jesus is that I live a normal life, fighting flesh and sin. I wasn't born miraculously, and I haven't yet died and resurrected with him. 
So, why does Jesus' life matter so much to my life? How does the gospel of Jesus Christ speak into my everyday life? 
That's the question I was wrestling with...
So as I was wrestling with those thoughts in my own mind, my husband and I were preparing for our small group Bible study at our house. We were reading Romans 5 over dinner when I came across a verse that honestly confused me. Romans 5:10 states, 

For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!

I started to break it down in order to understand it a little better. Then it hit me... There is something profound in this one verse and God gave me the eyes and mind of faith to receive it. 
Paul seems to be setting up two different situations or two statements, referring to death and life.

For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son...
1. Before we professed faith in Christ  while we were Gods enemies, we were made right through his death. Basically Jesus death makes us holy and pleasing before the Lord. 

After reading that first part I thought to myself, "well that seems good enough, right?" I mean Jesus died to bring us near to God and now that's accomplished so everything is all gravy....
But we still have that same question, what about Jesus' life?

...how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!
2. Number one shows us that we were reconciled by death, but this statement talks about now that we are reconciled, to those who have professed faith in Jesus or also called saints. On this side of the cross and through faith we are saved through his life.

This means Jesus' life matters for our continual salvation.... I am not saying that you can lose your salvation, in fact I am saying the opposite. 
Jesus' life matters because we cloth ourselves in Christ (Romans 13:14) which means we not only take upon his death and resurrection, but also his actual LIFE. 
Jesus didn't just live 30ish years because it seemed right or because God liked that age. 
Jesus lived every moment, day, and year in perfect obedience to God on our behalf. Every day mattered in Christ's life because he lived perfectly in every situation. 

When I lie to my friend and turn my back on her, I am saved because Christ was a perfect friend and completely faithful on my behalf.
When I am angry at God and I ignore him and choose sin, I can look to Jesus' life, that although he had seemingly good reasons to be mad at God, he was perfectly faithful and joyfully chose obedience to the Father. 
When my mother fails me and lets me down, I can look to the Christ who was true to his word and gave me a new, everlasting family.

Now, on a side note I do want to say this is also referring to true life in the resurrection of Jesus. But even in that we can look to Jesus as the first fruits, the one who went before us perfectly, even in his death and resurrection.

I plead with you to dwell on Jesus' life...
There was not a day the Father ordained by accident in Jesus' life. 
All he did, written and unwritten, mattered.
He is not just a moral example or an innocent human. 
This is our hope of life with God as he makes us more like Christ until we dwell together one day. 
Clothe yourselves in the life of Jesus Christ and look not to your failures but to the perfection of Jesus Christ and the righteousness he offers to the glory of God.