the *m* word

I'm going to be honest from the get go. I can't believe I'm writing this.

I feel exposed, vulnerable, and so fearful. but here goes nothing.

On January 2nd, 2016 Derek and I found out we were pregnant.

It was the most thrilling moment of our lives. I pretended that a gift had been left way under the Christmas tree that I had forgotten to give him. He opened, and inside was the positive pregnancy test. We both looked at each other like OHMYGOSH is this actually happening? It was beautiful, simple, innocent, and sadly, fleeting. 

On July 18th, 2016 Derek and I found out we were pregnant... 

This one felt a little different; I'll get there soon. 

But, before I get any further, I need to tell you what you're going to read.

You are going to read our story.
You are going to read about the most terrible 8 month of our lives.
You are going to read about the highs, the lows, the beautiful and the ugly. 

[You are going to read about miscarriage...or as I like to call it: "M!$&@^^!@#*" because if we are honest hearing those words out loud is like yelling ^#%#$@ in the most quiet room packed with people... It's awkward, uncomfortable, and painful.]

You are going to read about how we are doing (mentally...emotionally...all the ways...)
You are going to read about how I have been walking with Jesus on very shaky ground.
You are going to read about this unshakeable message & love I have for all women.
You are going to read about how to be with (not help) families who've had miscarriages. 

Why am I writing this, you ask?

Here are a few reasons...

1. Writing is healing for me (and LORD knows I need healing). 

2. I know there are thousands of women out there who need hope and healing.

3. I am convinced that I cannot keep silent, because:
4. "The LORD is righteous is all his ways and faithful in all he does"(Psalm 145:17), EVEN WHEN LIFE SUCKS....

So, if you don't mind, take this journey with me.
Take this journey with me as I share our story, in a very raw and humbling way.

If you are reading this, and you haven't experienced a miscarriage thank you for taking the time to read. Thank you for taking a glance inside this mama's head and heart. I pray that your heart may be stirred and moved to compassion and grief and forever changed.

If you are a mama, who lost their baby, or struggles with infertility...I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry to say but reading this might hurt a little (because you and I know the pain will never go away). It might hurt because there is no amount of time and "fix" that will ever make you forget that baby (or babies, or absence of baby). The details might take you back to a place you never wanted to go again. But, I hope the pain and the truth that you read will only aid you in your healing.
Keep reading mama.

___________________________________________________________________________

So, on January 2nd, 2016, Derek and I found out we were pregnant.

On February 22nd, 2016, Derek and I found out that our baby's heart was not beating (that's the softest way I can muster to say it).
to save you from trying to guess, we were just shy of 10 weeks along.

It was a Saturday afternoon and I was at work at Starbucks. It was a busy day as usual, one of those days that wouldn't really be ideal to have an emergency.
I stopped for a second (in one of those moments that felt like everything around me muted and stopped), I felt something *down there* (sorry not sorry) and I knew in the pit of my stomach something wasn't right (a woman's intuition is sickening).

So I asked my shift supervisor if I could go on a break and I grabbed my phone and went to the bathroom, to find that the pit in my stomach was accurate.
The last thing you on Earth you want to see. I will never see blood the same. The verse, "The life of every creature is its blood..." (Leviticus 17:11), became so very real to me in that moment.

I went out to my car. I couldn't swallow. I couldn't cry. I couldn't breath.
I called Derek and told him what happened. I then called my friend, who helped me to get ahold of the doctor on-call, whom presumed to tell me that blood can be "normal" and not to worry.... I think *he* needs to retire (forgive me).

So I finished working, went home, and cried.
I cried the whole day.
I cried all night long.
The "normal" blood kept coming and I cried all day and night because I knew it wasn't normal.

I knew we lost our baby.

Saturday happened.
Sunday happened (I think...I don't really remember).
Friends prayed. Family prayed. I couldn't pray. It was too late. I knew what happened.
I repeat,  *I could not pray* (God forgives)

Then Monday came.

I called my doctor first thing, and she told me to come in.
Derek and I walked through that hallways (which felt like the walk of shame) into the world's most ugly and depressing room, the ultrasound room.

The lady was cold and stiff and she turned on that screen to tell us what I already knew.
"I am not finding a fetal heartbeat..."
In my head I was screaming BUT IT WAS JUST THERE WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO IT (because we just had an ultrasound at 6 weeks; I was naive)...

But i knew.
And we cried some more.
And then some more.
And I got dressed as I was still bleeding out what I now knew what not "normal" and walked to the doctors office...

She walked in with a face that will forever be ingrained in my head.
It was a face that said, "Im sorry/poor you/what you thought was right/its over/its done/this sucks,"  and she "confirmed" that the baby was dead (they would never use that word).

I don't remember much after that but I can tell you a little of what was in my head; it went a little like:
"What is wrong with me?"
"Why does my body suck?"
"Why couldn't I keep my baby alive?"
"I am so broken!"
"How will I ever get over this?"
"I am never getting my hopes up again!"

The days ahead were LIVING HELL. no one. I repeat, no one (including my doctor) told me how *bad* it was going to be to pass a miscarriage on your own at home.
I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy...

I have never in my life experienced the kind of pain that I did that Wednesday night when I couldn't breath or walk or talk as this baby left my body.

There was no better way to face that the face that my baby had died than feeling like I myself was actually dying...

And then it was over.
I mean the physical pain was over.
The emotional and spiritual pain had just begun.

There were little snippets of light in what was the darkest hours of my life. Our friends and family sent us flowers, cards, movies, and oreos. They cried with us and sat with us. I know they would've done anything, but there was nothing they could do. I just needed to be alone.

I couldn't imagine going through this again. I was so afraid to "try" again to have a baby... I literally didn't think I would make it out alive if I had to do it.
[side note: I know there are so many mamas reading this who've had multiple miscarriages. you are stronger than i can even fathom. i truly love you in so many ways.]


But June came along.

On July 18th, 2016, Derek and I found out we were pregnant.

I cant even count all of the tears that have been shed since that day.
I have cried every day for the past 12 weeks. every day. every single day.

I'm not telling you that because you should feel bad for me.
I am telling you that because while there was a new baby in me, I was and still am grieving my first baby.

With our first baby I had no fears, no worries, and no questions.
With our second baby I have every fear, every worry, and every question.

So, how are we?

We are a statistic.
They tell you that 15-20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, but thats just a number...
UNTIL you are one of them.
We are one of them.
We are a statistic.

After the miscarriage was over, and I came out of hiding back into reality, I didn't know how to act.
I was so lonely. I was so ashamed. I was so hurt. I was so disappointed.
I have this broken relationship with my body that I never thought possible. Some days I hate it [my body], some days I am proud of it. Some days it fails me. Some days it saves me.

How are we? We are OKAY.

We are just okay, and I am glad to be there.
The pain is real and seeing those ultrasounds again (for announcement pictures) hurt so deeply.
The wounds are open and raw and real.
I still cry almost every day.
I cant even write this without weeping.
Its just so real.

And, while we will never get over it, we are healing...


Oh, and what about Jesus?

I couldn't get much further in this blog without talking about the most fundamental component to this situation, that being God.

My relationship with Jesus these past 8 months have been like starting all over.

I thought I knew this God... (ya know, the one we worship every Sunday?)
I thought I knew what the Bible said about hardship and suffering.
I thought I knew all the theology about God's goodness, faithfulness, and mercy.
I thought I knew what I would say to someone in this situation (*repeat* I thought).
I went to SEMINARY, HELLO... I was *prepared* for this.

I can laugh now because the suffering I knew was for the birds.

I crashed and burned. hard. and as cheesy as it sounds, it was right there, in the mire, that I saw Jesus in a new and very real way.

For the first time (okay not the first, but the first REAL time) in my life I asked the questions;
"How can God be good and sovereign and still let this baby die?! How is it that he knew?! Did he make it happen?! How does a sovereign God and a broken world collide so harshly?! Is God even trustworthy?!"

For the first time (the actual first time) in my life I said these things;
"God Im pissed at you! I am broken and sad and I wonder if you even care! You are the Creator of life and I don't think I can trust you again!"

So you might be thinking that I'm going to tell you that God answered me and gave me insight...

Guess what?
I DON'T HAVE ANY ANSWERS...(okay maybe a few, but thats not the point).

The point is, I didn't get the answers I wanted.
I don't get to "make sense" of this (because sin and death make no sense).
I'll never be able to explain it away using God...

and for the love of everything in this world "NOT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!!!"
(so please stop people; that is NOT the Christian answer to suffering).

Before you think I've fallen off the deep end, listen up.
I have learned that what happened with our baby SUCKED for Derek and I BUT it absolutely CRUSHED the heart of God.
I have learned that evil and pain break God's heart and he mourns with us.
I have learned that God's promises to be near, to never leave or forsake me, to walk with me in the valley is what I needed more than ANYTHING.
All of my life I thought that in suffering I would need something to make sense, "a really good theology of suffering," but really all I needed was a God who was bound to be through blood and friendship and never once left my side.

He gave me exactly what I needed. Himself.

When we suffer, our theology is called into question. (mine was)
I could have thrown out my theology with the rest of this "life" I had dreamed up for us...

But thats the thing.
Theology is only good if it makes sense in suffering (and by good I mean Jesus-centered, aka Christian).

If what we believe about Jesus doesn't "work" when we are at the bottom, then screw it, and throw it out.
I would (and still would) have given anything to know why my baby died. I mean ANYTHING.

But truly, I know that *reason* won't heal this heart.

A God who made himself broken, torn, shaken, distraught, and destroyed by the wrong and evil by bearing the most shameful, humiliating, and disgraceful cross, THATS WHAT HEALS A HEART.

and that's the kind of God you want when you are suffering.

his name is Jesus.


Women...listen:

The top two emotions I felt after our miscarriage was ALONE and ASHAMED.

These are LIES....LIES...LIES. (big fat, satan-sized lies)

We have to raise awareness about miscarriages, mamas.

Too many women are crying alone on their couches and faking smiles in the grocery stores.
I cannot bare to cry alone anymore and I cannot bare to suck it up either.

If you are scared, alone, and ashamed, it is guaranteed there are hundreds (thousands, really) around you feeling the exact same way and they need you and your story!

So, I encourgae you to talk to people about it.
If it hurts, that okay, because it has to hurt to heal.

I love you with a love I didn't know existed. I never in a million years thought this would be my life or that I would be a "statistic," but I am and so are you.

I know your fears.
I know how it feels to see someone on facebook announce they are due when yours was supposed to.
I know how it feels when your parents keep talking about be grandparents..
I know how it feels to go to the bathroom, without hesitation, every time, afraid of seeing blood.
I know how it feels when someone asks you "Whats new?" and it takes every fiber not to cry.
I know how it feels when people are you talk bad about parenting and you would give anything to be a mom.

I know how it feels... and so do so many others.

I will not be okay with hundreds of women around me walking around alone and shamed.
Will you?



SIDE NOTE: To the women (or men) who ask, "So when are you going to have a baby?"

I had angry words at first, but then I thought about how you don't know.
you don't know how bad it hurts when someone asks you that.
you don't know how we wish we could tell you.
you don't know how many people already asked us that today.
you don't know we've been trying for what seems like forever.
you don't know that we just lost a baby a month ago.
you don't know that you actually trigger more fear and shame.
you just don't know...

So, I'll let you in on what we wish you would know.

If your'e going to ask that dreaded question, "when are you going to have a baby?"
FOR THE LOVE please be willing to listen...

The chances are that when you ask a woman that question, they have an answer, but you don't actually want to hear it (i mean if we are going to sob all over you).
They probably would love nothing more than to tell you about how they want babies so badly, but they have been trying for awhile or they lost one a few months ago...

If you ask, LISTEN.
If you ask, pull up a chair.
If you ask, look into her eyes,
If you ask, don't ask in public, and be willing to hear what she says.

You have no idea what that would do to a hurting woman...

--> But seriously, if we can, let's stop asking that question.

to the rest of you

If you know someone (you probably know me) who has had a miscarriage, had a stillbirth, or struggles with infertility, there is nothing you can DO to help them (me, we, us, her).

The greatest thing you can do is sit with us and mourn.
Don't speak (unless its right).
Don't give advice.
Don't quote any cheesy verses (unless its right).
Don't look to the future.
Don't look to the past.
Don't reminisce.

Just sit.
Cry.
Hold me.
Pray over me.
Make me food.
Watch a movie with me.
BE WITH ME (or don't if thats what I need).

I read this book in January (little did I know how much I would need it, but God is gracious like that).
Its called, Lament for a Son, and this is my all time, hands down, favorite line ever on suffering.

...please: don't say it's not really so bad. Because it is. Death is awful, demonic.  If you think your task as comforter is to tell me that really, all things considered, it's not so bad, you do not sit with me in my grief but place yourself off in the distance from me.  Over there, you are of no help. What I need to hear from you is that you recognize how painful it is.  I need to hear from you that you are with me in my desperation.  To comfort me, you have to come close.  Come sit beside me on my mourning bench.

To wrap it up...

Thank you for following this journey to the end. There is so much more I could say and want to say, and I will say them soon, but this is sufficient for now.


The baby that is growing in my is NOTHING short of a miracle.
[stay tuned for a coming blog. it'll blow your mind]

There is not a day that goes by that I am not afraid.
I am afraid of posting this blog.
I am afraid of the way I have been forced into vulnerability in a way I never asked for.
I am afraid for the child in me now.

I didn't choose this lot for my life, but I will take it. 


At the end of the day, there is a 13 week baby inside me, one that I am so undeserving to love and care for.

And if and when we get to meet this baby (and our first one) we will share of God's mysterious faithfulness, because guys, he is so worth it (i promise).

Please pray for our baby, and all the mamas you know who are carrying one.

with all my heart,
Kourt

_______________________________________________________________________________

PS-
God laid this blog on my heart and gave me the words to say, but I am a work in progress.
I am learning, mourning, healing and rejoicing.

If you are not a Christian, then a lot of what I said about Jesus will sounds crazy and nonsensical, and you are right. If Jesus wasn't real, then you would be right.
But he is real and he has given me light in the darkness, joy in the mourning, and comfort to the crazy.

The world leaves us with empty explanations of evil and pain, and Jesus doesn't offer explanations, but rather offers Himself, the one who took on all evil and pain.

You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

3 lessons in 3 years...

"To be loved but not known is comforting, but superficial.

To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. 

But to be fully known and truly loved, is well, a lot like being loved by God.

It is what we need more than anything."

I am going to steal the three things I've learned [about marriage] in three years from this quote above.

1. to be loved, but not known is comforting, but superficial...

...which is true, but is also where we all started in this marriage journey.

Very few of us would have said on the day of our wedding that our spouse didn't really "know" us.
But, the truth is they didn't. 
I loved Derek, like loved him, when we got married. And, I would say that he knew me better than almost anyone has. 
But looking back, it was exactly this, we loved each other but weren't known by each other. 
This is how marriage starts off... and there are probably some laughing at me who have been married for 20 years because we are still in the "starting off" stage. 
3 years ago I loved Derek. 
Today, I know Derek [more]. 
It would be a tragedy to stay loving someone without knowing them...
In fact I don't know if you can? Which leads to lesson #2.

2. to be known and not loved is our greatest fear....

...and boy isn't it! 
It's a crazy mysterious, sick and twisted game in marriage where you realize how crappy of a person you are or how bad you are at loving or how selfish you are, so you pull back, hide, coverup, or puff up, and never let yourself be known. 
to be "known" isn't cute or romantic.... ITS HARD, ugly, humbling, messy...
to be known is to be vulnerable. 
to be known was to allow Derek to see that I am actually going to disappoint him as a wife. 
I will not meet all of his expectations. 
I will not always be that girl of his dreams. 
If there is ANYTHING [yet] I have learned in marriage is that being "known" is worth the risk. Its worth it because if you don't go to those hard, ugly, humbling, messy places you will never be able to love each other well; it will always be superficial. 
this past year Derek has seen me at some of my absolute worst times. there were moments I was ashamed and embarrassed and I wanted to hide because I couldn't bare being known like that. 
But, he saw through that because he knows me, and because he knows me he was able to love me in ways I didn't even know I needed...
This might sound all vague and cute, but its anything but that.

This is a day by day, commitment to being known and knowing him. 

Marriage is a day by day [shoot, minute by minute] commitment to knowing and being known.

3. so, being fully known and truly loved, is a lot like being loved by God. 

The way you let yourself be known might say a lot about your love relationship with Jesus...
The more I allowed myself to receive the love, mercy, and grace of God, the more I let myself be known by Derek.
See, we have ourselves disillusioned if we think these relationships aren't intimately intertwined. 

This is the love we long for. Our hearts are restless, searching for the "one" who will know us and love us for exactly who we are. 

But its not our marriage that will give us that security.

The secret is... it was never really meant to be about marriage.

The more we recognize that we are fully known by God and even still completely loved by Him, the more it frees us to be known and loved by our spouses.

So, being fully known and truly loved is a lot like being loved by God.
More so, being known and chosen in marriage is a fragile, messy picture of being bought by Jesus.

Once again, 3 years in and the message is still the same.

Jesus.

Marriage advice to myself [and to you]:
...if you want to be fully known and truly loved, you must revel in the reality that you are fully know and truly loved by God.

"It is what we need more than anything..."

Derek John Price,
I love you more every day and promise to know you for the rest of my life.

To many more years of being known and loved by Jesus....

Kourt.

Christmas is....

Good morning. 

When I woke up this morning my phone reminded me that tomorrow is Christmas eve (just in case I had forgotten). 

But, that one little reminder got me thinking a little bit deeper about my feelings towards Christmas. 

Word around town is that this year doesn't "feel" like Christmas. I agree. I really agree.

For the first time IN MY LIFE it does not feel like Christmas.

It could be its because I go to school full-time and work part-time and jam pack every other minute of my life with reading, Netflix, and exercising. I just don't know... 

My "not feeling like Christmas" feelings have affected my reading of the Bible, my desire to watch Christmas movies, and my overall sense of joy. 

It is really pathetic and frustrating, to be honest.

Like I said before, i like to get to the root or reason for things, which leads me here right now. 

After my phone reminded me that Christmas eve is tomorrow i began thinking about what the "perfect" Christmas would feel like and BAM just like that God spoke. 

Not in an audible way, but he spoke deeply to my heart. 

This is what I thought of and how God is ministering to me during this season. 

May God deal kindly with you through this season as you wrestle with what "Christmas is..." 

____________________________________________

Christmas is.......SNOW. 

so Christmas eve is tomorrow (remember my phone told me) and its currently 60 degrees outside and RAINING. 

Im not going to comment on anything global warming but come on? Really???? It is also raining and thundering which I love, but not in the middle of winter. 

there is no chance of snow in the next 10 days and the temperature will not be falling anytime soon, so it can't possibly be Christmas time. But it is....

I never understood how people in Florida or Mexico celebrate Christmas when its hot outside. It just doesn't make sense. 

I realized so much of what Christmas is to me is SNOW.

Christmas is......family traditions.

unless you don't have any of those of course.

As I have been scrolling through facebook these past few days I have noticed all these beautiful families making beautiful sugar cookies. It is so beautiful. I love all of you who have all these family traditions. 

But, what if you don't?

I love my family dearly but we just don't do the traditional stuff. Part of me feels like I am missing out on "Christmas," ya know????  

Maybe it doesn't feel like Christmas to you or to me because we don't have family traditions. 

Christmas is......family.

What a true, true blessing family is. Until Christmas.

I'm just kidding. Kind of. 

Christmas is one of those "seasons" where its about getting together with family; laughing, drinking hot cocoa and wine, and sharing stories. 

But, what if you lost your mom or dad this year, what if you brother or sister isn't coming home, and what if your family hurts you? 

What if your family has fallen apart and you no longer get together anymore?

What if your family stresses you out more than comforts?

What if your family is not a blessing to your life?

Maybe is doesn't "feel" like Christmas because Christmas is having a perfect family. '

Christmas is......presents.

Then the time comes when your kids tell you what they want and no matter how much you saved or worked your tale off you just wont be able to afford it. 

Then, you "feel" like a terrible mom, dad, or grandma, and it couldn't possibly be Christmas because the kids didn't get what they asked "Santa" for (don't get me started). 

Maybe you look at your tree with only 2 or 3 presents under it and you feel sad and lonely.

Or maybe you look at a tree filled with presents and realize you sold your soul to give everyone everything they wanted.

Or maybe there is nothing for you under the tree and though you love your family you wish someone loved you..

Maybe it doesn't "feel" like Christmas because Christmas isn't presents. 

Christmas isn't any of those things. Or the thousand other ways we define Christmas.

Christmas isn't your peppermint mocha in your RED (cough cough) cup. 

Christmas isn't making a list and checking it twice (or ordering off Amazon Prime two days before Christmas).

Christmas isn't trying to be a good person this time of year (i work with the public yall and most of you get grouchier).

Christmas isn't putting a sweater on your dog and making sure your kids match (btw Jo didn't like the sweater).

These things are not BAD at all...they just AREN'T CHRISTMAS. 

and i think thats why we're are all depressed and feeling all the feelings this year.

(if anything I am just speaking about my own heart, feel free to engage or not)....

Christmas really is......Jesus.

Yes, the real answer happens to the be the same one as in Sunday school. 

Christmas really is all about Jesus.

And, not in the way where you use him as an excuse or shove him down everyone's throat. 

Not in the way you say "merry CHRISTmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" because of Jesus. 

and definitely not in the way you threaten your kids to be good because of Jesus. 

Jesus is Christmas because he is all of those things we really desire about this season. 

He is the one who makes our hearts flutter with comfort and joy.

He is the one with whom we find all our meaning and insecurities met. 

GUYS-- Jesus is the One we've been longing for. He is the guy.

Why do we want snow and cold weather?? 

because it CONSISTENT, year after year, and it reminds of to snuggle in and for a second there is peace in the world and we are reminded of how small we are. 

Jesus is the consistent one, never changing, always gracious and merciful, never leaving or forsaking. he washes his grace over the crazy in our lives like white fresh snow and for a second we can't help but to pause and feel small. 

Why do we want family traditions???

because we want to be a part of something magical and traditional. we want the consistency of love and nurturing. we want to make cookies not because we give two craps about cookies but because our moms and grandmas love us and teach us about life. 

Jesus has called us into his family where he walks hand in hand and teaches us the ins and outs and the highs and lows of life, promising it is for our good. He gives us the fmaily we want and desire so deeply. 

Why do we want presents????

because we want to be seen, noticed, acknowledged, loved, and sought out. we want someone to know us so well that they would give us exactly what we need and desire. 

Jesus knows what we want before you ask him. look around you right now. you see a warm couch, a consistent job, a baby or toddler, or a warm lunch. thats is your gift!

Jesus is our greatest gift and until we realize and embrace Him all other gifts will leave us depressed, disappointed, covetous, and miserable. 

Until we realize that Jesus is Christmas we will be left with all these "feelings" that suck the life out of us and leave us empty. 

So, if you're feeling like me this year ask yourself what Christmas is to you...

Let the God of mercy wash over your feelings of Christmas this year and give you a fresh glimpse of his goodness in Jesus. 

love you,

Kourt. 

year two reflections

First and foremost I must say happy anniversary to the man of my reality, Derek John.

I would say he is the man of my dreams, but I didn’t really have one of those.

For those of you out there who wonder how I ended up married at the ripe old age of 22; here you go.

…it goes like this:

(don’t worry, the life lesson is at the end)

Derek was 20. Kourtney was 15. Those ages don’t go together. But that’s when I met Derek.

I was a young girl, passionate about this Jesus who just saved my life, and not a boy in sight on my radar. He was a college guy. I was in junior high. He was “cool” and he knew it. He was the best friend of one of my best friend’s older brother. I remember vividly thinking (maybe saying), “I will never be with someone like him…” (I’ll spare you the details why).

Fast-forward 5 years. I am 20. Derek is 25. Our lives meet up again and at a much more appropriate age range. Derek and I “happen” to be in the same Bible study with many mutual friends. When I saw him, I’m not going to lie, I judged. But when he opened his mouth I’ll never forget my reaction… “Who is this guy and what happened to him?”

He was full of grace, compassion, humility, love for Jesus, and love for others; all of which still reign true.

But, I was not interested. Not even a little bit. Nope. No way.

…but he was.

I always tell this story saying HE WOULD NOT LEAVE ME ALONE.

And while that is true…I am wildly glad he didn’t.

SIDENOTE:

I told myself when I was younger than I didn’t want to get married. I had never really seen a healthy marriage that I desired, and I honestly thought I would be better off by myself. I was independent and self-sufficient. I did not need or want a man. I did not dream of my wedding day or pick our all of my kids names. I had my dreams, goals, aspirations; I was going to make something of myself. I was content. I loved Jesus and really felt just fine. Plus, I knew if I dated someone it would be serious and that would be it.

ENDNOTE

He scared me. He wanted me. Me?

He dated me, even when I told him we weren’t dating. He sent me flowers even when I told him I hated flowers (which duh, is a lie). He paid for my meals, which is like a big no-no for an independent girl like me. He called instead of texted (which was weird). He made me mad. He didn’t listen to me. He didn’t respect my decision not to be with him.

But, after all he knew something I didn’t.

So, one day on a walk with a friend we had a conversation that changed my life.

She said for many women not dating someone is stepping out in faith, but maybe for you dating Derek is your step of faith.

I was afraid. At the root of my being was FEAR. I was afraid he would hurt me and that I would fall in love and he would forsake me and I would be angry with myself for giving in.

But, I trusted him….and still do.

This is how God works: he gives us the things we desperately need for growing in holiness whether or not we know we need them.

Hear this clearly: I was not looking for a husband, boyfriend, or soul mate. I did not want to be married at 22. BUT…it has been my most treasured gift and what I needed.

God gave me Derek for my good, to grow in holiness and Christ-likeness, to refine me and strip me of sin and selfishness (which is a lifelong process) and the by-product (not the purpose) is joy and happiness. 

            I did not and do not deserve Derek’s love.

I have not earned it, attained, or maintained it.

I would have been a miserable, proud, self-sufficient woman if God had not intervened and given me in marriage. it was God's mercy.

My dear friend Dana once said, “I think God gave us marriage because it’s one of the best ways of dying to yourself.” True.

To that end… that is how Derek became my man, but Jesus still remains the man of my dreams.

So, what has this year taught me/us…?

            “the first year is the hardest” is not true (for everyone).

            There will be harder days.

I don’t know if its some old wives’ tale but I just don’t believe it.

Year two of our marriage has been harder than the first. Like a lot harder.

But, that’s not the only reason I disagree & this is why:

I saw a mom and wife with two young boys lose the love of her life in year 5.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw at least 4 celebrity couples walk away from their spouses in year 3,4, 10 & 13.

I think those were their hardest years.

I saw a woman and her husband struggling with infertility in year 2…3…4…

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a couple wondering who they were after all their kids were gone and out of the house in year 20.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a couple loose their baby in year 2.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a woman who’s husband left her for another woman in year 19.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a wife wait in fear for her husband’s return as he is deployed overseas in year 5.

 I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a wife stand by her man as he battled cancer in year 50.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a wife lay her husband to rest after he lost his battle to cancer in year 56.

I think that was their hardest year.

SO, I am humbled and brought to tears at the heartbreak and devastation of the hardest years.

But don’t let it fool us; the first year is not the hardest.

Our second year, will not be the hardest.

As we press on, keeping our eye on the prize, we know what lies ahead.

Our dear friends who recently celebrated 50 years of marriage told us this:

“Just wait, the last 30 years are the best.”

Whatever year you are in, maybe its year 0 or maybe you started over. Hold fast…. The tough times are coming.

I mean the really tough times.

But so are the good ones.

There is nothing in this world that will hold us together. No beauty. No years. No commitment.

Nothing, but the blood of Jesus.

So, we may have had a rough year 2…but we praise Jesus all the more for holding us together.

He is the faithful one who will sustain us.

Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day. (2 Timothy 1:12)

Derek,

Thank you for these first 2 years, where God has molded, stretched, and refined us more than ever before. I’ve never been a part of something so mundane, yet so much bigger than us. Thank you for your love for Jesus. He is our greatest joy and fellowship. You are my greatest gift and grace. Cheers to 48 more years. Happy anniversary baby.

I love you more than love.

Your wife,

Kourtney

what's the point?

I am one of those people that loves to reflect on the past (and current situations).
I want to learn from it, talk about it, reminisce, and decide what the best part was. 
If you listen closely, I almost always end a story with "the point is...." or "the moral of the story is..." or "all that to say..." and I get to my point. 
Since I was a little girl I thought that there has to be something more to the story. 
I mean c'mon, Cinderella didn't just lose her shoe people; there was a reason why she lost her shoe. (It was "fate" or something) 
I see the details in the story as important, but I deeply believe that they embellish and beautify the main point. (This is the details part of my blog, so hold on, I will get to the main point of this post).
I realized this obsessive/compulsive-main-point-neediness in marriage x100. 
Derek takes his time when he tells me a story...and he is bound to tell me the same story probably 5 times (God love him). I would listen well for the first few times, but eventually I could barely handle myself..sitting on the edge of my seat about to attack him just waiting to hear the main point. 
There have also been times where he has told me a story and there was NO main point.....WHATTTTT???? (Yes I am learning there is such thing). 
I am impatient, needy, and aggressive when it comes to the main point of the story... and left pretty sad and disappointed without one. 
After almost everything Derek does I ask him WHY? "Why did you do that?" Why do you think you made that decision?" What did that show you?" 
I know I know, you're probably thinking 'poor guy,' but its not as controlling as it sounds I promise. I honestly and deeply want to know the reasons...the purposes....the motives....and the main point....whether its a sermon, a story, a book, a movie, or a simple life change, the resounding brain chime is what's the point??

SO, as Derek and I are approaching 1 simply gracious year of marriage, I have been looking for the point. 

I "know" (quotations represent the inconsistency between my head and heart) the meaning of marriage. During our engagement we listened to so many marriage sermons I could have preached you to sleep with my understanding of marriage and the gospel. 
BUT, just like they told us...it gets hard to remember the point, especially when your not to the end yet. 
See that's the funny thing about Christianity.... We know the end, the point, the purpose, and the reasons.....But we are still living life here in the present. 
Its backwards, difficult, confusing, and pretty much opposite of how the rest of the world functions. Doing life in union with Jesus is different (I'm learning). 
I live my life, knowing the end: Christ will take me home with him, the point: Christ should and will be praised and glorified above all things, the purpose; by abiding in Christ and making disciples I am being sanctified and made holy each day by the blood of Christ, and the reasons: Christ showed the greatest mercy and grace so I am free to rest in his perfect love. I "know" the gospel and I "know" about marriage.... But at times I forget that they go hand in hand and I forget the point. 

Let me be honest for a minute- there have been times this past year where I laid my head on my pillow and asked myself why people get married. Then I lay there and come up with a bunch of superficial reasons such as kids are great, lifelong bestie, and then I blank...... 
because at the end of the day those things don't satisfy my heart's longing for a purpose in this marriage thing. 
I forget the point. 

By God's great grace he has allowed Derek and I into some intense arguments about how to love each other. 
We have hurt each other with our words because we are sinful. 
But, it is his mercy, I know, because he continually leads us back to the point... 
When we are fighting and sucking at being a spouse, there ain't nothing about future (or present) kids or being best friends that makes me want to work it out. 
At the end of the day my sinful and selfish heart thinks I know best, can be best, and needs only the best. 
I need the point.

I had this funny version of Derek and I in my head before we got married... I laugh now because I had no idea what life would be like everyday with him. 
Like I told you earlier, I know the purpose of marriage: it is to put on display for the world what the relationship with Christ and the Church looks like. It is a beautiful picture of sacrifice and submission... with rainbows and butterflies and lilies (of course.)However, along the way I realized I had the wrong picture. I replaced beautiful with plastic and thought we had to show the world that we love and smile and kiss each other all the time and forgive each other so quickly and move on as if nothing happened. 
That's just not true. Marriage, like anything else, is real life.The point of marriage is not to show a perfect marriage... it is to show that despite my emotions, my selfish heart, and my rational and logical thoughts, I will not forsake you.
Why wouldn't I forsake you? 
Because the point is Christ.  The point is Christ will not forsake those he has called his Bride and man oh man have I done everything in the book for him to run..... The point is to point to a perfect God.



Thank you Lord for this past year! Thank you for pouring out your mercy on Derek and I. You loved me before I loved you, and its your Jesus that gives me all motivation and purpose to live. Thank you for giving me a love that brings me much joy, laughter, grace and continually points me back to the You, the greatest love.

your daughter,
Kourtney