Christmas is....

Good morning. 

When I woke up this morning my phone reminded me that tomorrow is Christmas eve (just in case I had forgotten). 

But, that one little reminder got me thinking a little bit deeper about my feelings towards Christmas. 

Word around town is that this year doesn't "feel" like Christmas. I agree. I really agree.

For the first time IN MY LIFE it does not feel like Christmas.

It could be its because I go to school full-time and work part-time and jam pack every other minute of my life with reading, Netflix, and exercising. I just don't know... 

My "not feeling like Christmas" feelings have affected my reading of the Bible, my desire to watch Christmas movies, and my overall sense of joy. 

It is really pathetic and frustrating, to be honest.

Like I said before, i like to get to the root or reason for things, which leads me here right now. 

After my phone reminded me that Christmas eve is tomorrow i began thinking about what the "perfect" Christmas would feel like and BAM just like that God spoke. 

Not in an audible way, but he spoke deeply to my heart. 

This is what I thought of and how God is ministering to me during this season. 

May God deal kindly with you through this season as you wrestle with what "Christmas is..." 

____________________________________________

Christmas is.......SNOW. 

so Christmas eve is tomorrow (remember my phone told me) and its currently 60 degrees outside and RAINING. 

Im not going to comment on anything global warming but come on? Really???? It is also raining and thundering which I love, but not in the middle of winter. 

there is no chance of snow in the next 10 days and the temperature will not be falling anytime soon, so it can't possibly be Christmas time. But it is....

I never understood how people in Florida or Mexico celebrate Christmas when its hot outside. It just doesn't make sense. 

I realized so much of what Christmas is to me is SNOW.

Christmas is......family traditions.

unless you don't have any of those of course.

As I have been scrolling through facebook these past few days I have noticed all these beautiful families making beautiful sugar cookies. It is so beautiful. I love all of you who have all these family traditions. 

But, what if you don't?

I love my family dearly but we just don't do the traditional stuff. Part of me feels like I am missing out on "Christmas," ya know????  

Maybe it doesn't feel like Christmas to you or to me because we don't have family traditions. 

Christmas is......family.

What a true, true blessing family is. Until Christmas.

I'm just kidding. Kind of. 

Christmas is one of those "seasons" where its about getting together with family; laughing, drinking hot cocoa and wine, and sharing stories. 

But, what if you lost your mom or dad this year, what if you brother or sister isn't coming home, and what if your family hurts you? 

What if your family has fallen apart and you no longer get together anymore?

What if your family stresses you out more than comforts?

What if your family is not a blessing to your life?

Maybe is doesn't "feel" like Christmas because Christmas is having a perfect family. '

Christmas is......presents.

Then the time comes when your kids tell you what they want and no matter how much you saved or worked your tale off you just wont be able to afford it. 

Then, you "feel" like a terrible mom, dad, or grandma, and it couldn't possibly be Christmas because the kids didn't get what they asked "Santa" for (don't get me started). 

Maybe you look at your tree with only 2 or 3 presents under it and you feel sad and lonely.

Or maybe you look at a tree filled with presents and realize you sold your soul to give everyone everything they wanted.

Or maybe there is nothing for you under the tree and though you love your family you wish someone loved you..

Maybe it doesn't "feel" like Christmas because Christmas isn't presents. 

Christmas isn't any of those things. Or the thousand other ways we define Christmas.

Christmas isn't your peppermint mocha in your RED (cough cough) cup. 

Christmas isn't making a list and checking it twice (or ordering off Amazon Prime two days before Christmas).

Christmas isn't trying to be a good person this time of year (i work with the public yall and most of you get grouchier).

Christmas isn't putting a sweater on your dog and making sure your kids match (btw Jo didn't like the sweater).

These things are not BAD at all...they just AREN'T CHRISTMAS. 

and i think thats why we're are all depressed and feeling all the feelings this year.

(if anything I am just speaking about my own heart, feel free to engage or not)....

Christmas really is......Jesus.

Yes, the real answer happens to the be the same one as in Sunday school. 

Christmas really is all about Jesus.

And, not in the way where you use him as an excuse or shove him down everyone's throat. 

Not in the way you say "merry CHRISTmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" because of Jesus. 

and definitely not in the way you threaten your kids to be good because of Jesus. 

Jesus is Christmas because he is all of those things we really desire about this season. 

He is the one who makes our hearts flutter with comfort and joy.

He is the one with whom we find all our meaning and insecurities met. 

GUYS-- Jesus is the One we've been longing for. He is the guy.

Why do we want snow and cold weather?? 

because it CONSISTENT, year after year, and it reminds of to snuggle in and for a second there is peace in the world and we are reminded of how small we are. 

Jesus is the consistent one, never changing, always gracious and merciful, never leaving or forsaking. he washes his grace over the crazy in our lives like white fresh snow and for a second we can't help but to pause and feel small. 

Why do we want family traditions???

because we want to be a part of something magical and traditional. we want the consistency of love and nurturing. we want to make cookies not because we give two craps about cookies but because our moms and grandmas love us and teach us about life. 

Jesus has called us into his family where he walks hand in hand and teaches us the ins and outs and the highs and lows of life, promising it is for our good. He gives us the fmaily we want and desire so deeply. 

Why do we want presents????

because we want to be seen, noticed, acknowledged, loved, and sought out. we want someone to know us so well that they would give us exactly what we need and desire. 

Jesus knows what we want before you ask him. look around you right now. you see a warm couch, a consistent job, a baby or toddler, or a warm lunch. thats is your gift!

Jesus is our greatest gift and until we realize and embrace Him all other gifts will leave us depressed, disappointed, covetous, and miserable. 

Until we realize that Jesus is Christmas we will be left with all these "feelings" that suck the life out of us and leave us empty. 

So, if you're feeling like me this year ask yourself what Christmas is to you...

Let the God of mercy wash over your feelings of Christmas this year and give you a fresh glimpse of his goodness in Jesus. 

love you,

Kourt. 

year two reflections

First and foremost I must say happy anniversary to the man of my reality, Derek John.

I would say he is the man of my dreams, but I didn’t really have one of those.

For those of you out there who wonder how I ended up married at the ripe old age of 22; here you go.

…it goes like this:

(don’t worry, the life lesson is at the end)

Derek was 20. Kourtney was 15. Those ages don’t go together. But that’s when I met Derek.

I was a young girl, passionate about this Jesus who just saved my life, and not a boy in sight on my radar. He was a college guy. I was in junior high. He was “cool” and he knew it. He was the best friend of one of my best friend’s older brother. I remember vividly thinking (maybe saying), “I will never be with someone like him…” (I’ll spare you the details why).

Fast-forward 5 years. I am 20. Derek is 25. Our lives meet up again and at a much more appropriate age range. Derek and I “happen” to be in the same Bible study with many mutual friends. When I saw him, I’m not going to lie, I judged. But when he opened his mouth I’ll never forget my reaction… “Who is this guy and what happened to him?”

He was full of grace, compassion, humility, love for Jesus, and love for others; all of which still reign true.

But, I was not interested. Not even a little bit. Nope. No way.

…but he was.

I always tell this story saying HE WOULD NOT LEAVE ME ALONE.

And while that is true…I am wildly glad he didn’t.

SIDENOTE:

I told myself when I was younger than I didn’t want to get married. I had never really seen a healthy marriage that I desired, and I honestly thought I would be better off by myself. I was independent and self-sufficient. I did not need or want a man. I did not dream of my wedding day or pick our all of my kids names. I had my dreams, goals, aspirations; I was going to make something of myself. I was content. I loved Jesus and really felt just fine. Plus, I knew if I dated someone it would be serious and that would be it.

ENDNOTE

He scared me. He wanted me. Me?

He dated me, even when I told him we weren’t dating. He sent me flowers even when I told him I hated flowers (which duh, is a lie). He paid for my meals, which is like a big no-no for an independent girl like me. He called instead of texted (which was weird). He made me mad. He didn’t listen to me. He didn’t respect my decision not to be with him.

But, after all he knew something I didn’t.

So, one day on a walk with a friend we had a conversation that changed my life.

She said for many women not dating someone is stepping out in faith, but maybe for you dating Derek is your step of faith.

I was afraid. At the root of my being was FEAR. I was afraid he would hurt me and that I would fall in love and he would forsake me and I would be angry with myself for giving in.

But, I trusted him….and still do.

This is how God works: he gives us the things we desperately need for growing in holiness whether or not we know we need them.

Hear this clearly: I was not looking for a husband, boyfriend, or soul mate. I did not want to be married at 22. BUT…it has been my most treasured gift and what I needed.

God gave me Derek for my good, to grow in holiness and Christ-likeness, to refine me and strip me of sin and selfishness (which is a lifelong process) and the by-product (not the purpose) is joy and happiness. 

            I did not and do not deserve Derek’s love.

I have not earned it, attained, or maintained it.

I would have been a miserable, proud, self-sufficient woman if God had not intervened and given me in marriage. it was God's mercy.

My dear friend Dana once said, “I think God gave us marriage because it’s one of the best ways of dying to yourself.” True.

To that end… that is how Derek became my man, but Jesus still remains the man of my dreams.

So, what has this year taught me/us…?

            “the first year is the hardest” is not true (for everyone).

            There will be harder days.

I don’t know if its some old wives’ tale but I just don’t believe it.

Year two of our marriage has been harder than the first. Like a lot harder.

But, that’s not the only reason I disagree & this is why:

I saw a mom and wife with two young boys lose the love of her life in year 5.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw at least 4 celebrity couples walk away from their spouses in year 3,4, 10 & 13.

I think those were their hardest years.

I saw a woman and her husband struggling with infertility in year 2…3…4…

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a couple wondering who they were after all their kids were gone and out of the house in year 20.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a couple loose their baby in year 2.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a woman who’s husband left her for another woman in year 19.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a wife wait in fear for her husband’s return as he is deployed overseas in year 5.

 I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a wife stand by her man as he battled cancer in year 50.

I think that was their hardest year.

I saw a wife lay her husband to rest after he lost his battle to cancer in year 56.

I think that was their hardest year.

SO, I am humbled and brought to tears at the heartbreak and devastation of the hardest years.

But don’t let it fool us; the first year is not the hardest.

Our second year, will not be the hardest.

As we press on, keeping our eye on the prize, we know what lies ahead.

Our dear friends who recently celebrated 50 years of marriage told us this:

“Just wait, the last 30 years are the best.”

Whatever year you are in, maybe its year 0 or maybe you started over. Hold fast…. The tough times are coming.

I mean the really tough times.

But so are the good ones.

There is nothing in this world that will hold us together. No beauty. No years. No commitment.

Nothing, but the blood of Jesus.

So, we may have had a rough year 2…but we praise Jesus all the more for holding us together.

He is the faithful one who will sustain us.

Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day. (2 Timothy 1:12)

Derek,

Thank you for these first 2 years, where God has molded, stretched, and refined us more than ever before. I’ve never been a part of something so mundane, yet so much bigger than us. Thank you for your love for Jesus. He is our greatest joy and fellowship. You are my greatest gift and grace. Cheers to 48 more years. Happy anniversary baby.

I love you more than love.

Your wife,

Kourtney