what's the point?

I am one of those people that loves to reflect on the past (and current situations).
I want to learn from it, talk about it, reminisce, and decide what the best part was. 
If you listen closely, I almost always end a story with "the point is...." or "the moral of the story is..." or "all that to say..." and I get to my point. 
Since I was a little girl I thought that there has to be something more to the story. 
I mean c'mon, Cinderella didn't just lose her shoe people; there was a reason why she lost her shoe. (It was "fate" or something) 
I see the details in the story as important, but I deeply believe that they embellish and beautify the main point. (This is the details part of my blog, so hold on, I will get to the main point of this post).
I realized this obsessive/compulsive-main-point-neediness in marriage x100. 
Derek takes his time when he tells me a story...and he is bound to tell me the same story probably 5 times (God love him). I would listen well for the first few times, but eventually I could barely handle myself..sitting on the edge of my seat about to attack him just waiting to hear the main point. 
There have also been times where he has told me a story and there was NO main point.....WHATTTTT???? (Yes I am learning there is such thing). 
I am impatient, needy, and aggressive when it comes to the main point of the story... and left pretty sad and disappointed without one. 
After almost everything Derek does I ask him WHY? "Why did you do that?" Why do you think you made that decision?" What did that show you?" 
I know I know, you're probably thinking 'poor guy,' but its not as controlling as it sounds I promise. I honestly and deeply want to know the reasons...the purposes....the motives....and the main point....whether its a sermon, a story, a book, a movie, or a simple life change, the resounding brain chime is what's the point??

SO, as Derek and I are approaching 1 simply gracious year of marriage, I have been looking for the point. 

I "know" (quotations represent the inconsistency between my head and heart) the meaning of marriage. During our engagement we listened to so many marriage sermons I could have preached you to sleep with my understanding of marriage and the gospel. 
BUT, just like they told us...it gets hard to remember the point, especially when your not to the end yet. 
See that's the funny thing about Christianity.... We know the end, the point, the purpose, and the reasons.....But we are still living life here in the present. 
Its backwards, difficult, confusing, and pretty much opposite of how the rest of the world functions. Doing life in union with Jesus is different (I'm learning). 
I live my life, knowing the end: Christ will take me home with him, the point: Christ should and will be praised and glorified above all things, the purpose; by abiding in Christ and making disciples I am being sanctified and made holy each day by the blood of Christ, and the reasons: Christ showed the greatest mercy and grace so I am free to rest in his perfect love. I "know" the gospel and I "know" about marriage.... But at times I forget that they go hand in hand and I forget the point. 

Let me be honest for a minute- there have been times this past year where I laid my head on my pillow and asked myself why people get married. Then I lay there and come up with a bunch of superficial reasons such as kids are great, lifelong bestie, and then I blank...... 
because at the end of the day those things don't satisfy my heart's longing for a purpose in this marriage thing. 
I forget the point. 

By God's great grace he has allowed Derek and I into some intense arguments about how to love each other. 
We have hurt each other with our words because we are sinful. 
But, it is his mercy, I know, because he continually leads us back to the point... 
When we are fighting and sucking at being a spouse, there ain't nothing about future (or present) kids or being best friends that makes me want to work it out. 
At the end of the day my sinful and selfish heart thinks I know best, can be best, and needs only the best. 
I need the point.

I had this funny version of Derek and I in my head before we got married... I laugh now because I had no idea what life would be like everyday with him. 
Like I told you earlier, I know the purpose of marriage: it is to put on display for the world what the relationship with Christ and the Church looks like. It is a beautiful picture of sacrifice and submission... with rainbows and butterflies and lilies (of course.)However, along the way I realized I had the wrong picture. I replaced beautiful with plastic and thought we had to show the world that we love and smile and kiss each other all the time and forgive each other so quickly and move on as if nothing happened. 
That's just not true. Marriage, like anything else, is real life.The point of marriage is not to show a perfect marriage... it is to show that despite my emotions, my selfish heart, and my rational and logical thoughts, I will not forsake you.
Why wouldn't I forsake you? 
Because the point is Christ.  The point is Christ will not forsake those he has called his Bride and man oh man have I done everything in the book for him to run..... The point is to point to a perfect God.



Thank you Lord for this past year! Thank you for pouring out your mercy on Derek and I. You loved me before I loved you, and its your Jesus that gives me all motivation and purpose to live. Thank you for giving me a love that brings me much joy, laughter, grace and continually points me back to the You, the greatest love.

your daughter,
Kourtney 

5 reasons why birthdays matter

Today is Derek's 28th birthday and I woke up so excited, telling him happy birthday every 5 minutes and making cheesy comments like, "have a good day birthday boy!"

But, Derek is not so into his birthday and never really has been.
He says birthdays are just another day....but I beg to differ.

I want to be sensitive, however, because I know with birthdays comes a lot of pain and bad memories. But because of that I want to give 5 reasons why birthdays matter to me and hopefully you. 

Birthdays matter because...

1. being born is a privilege and blessing...

Awhile back I watched a Netflix documentary called "It's a Girl" which reported the gendercide that is happening in places like China and India, where baby girls are being killed at extreme rates. This documentary reported that there are 200 million girls that should be alive today if they hadn't been killed.
In America alone, on average 1.21 million babies are aborted each year (link to stats). Again, I want to be sensitive towards men and women who have had abortions because God's grace in Jesus Christ is sufficient to forgive all of ours sins. I only put those statistics up to say that being born is not the usual.
My mom and dad surprisingly got pregnant with me outside of marriage when my mom was so the ripe young age of 20. It would have normal or maybe even socially acceptable for her to abort me, but I am so thankful that she didn't.
I know there are many children who wish they hadn't been born or at least not into their family, and its understandable.
But, birthdays matter because being born is a blessing.

2. they are foreknown...

You are not a mistake, accident, or happenstance.
Each birthday we celebrate is a day of resting that God planned for me to be here.
Psalm 139 is beautiful song by David reflecting on the Lord's goodness before he was even born.

In 139:16 David says, "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

There is not one day that goes by that has taken God by surprise, not one struggle, heartache, or celebration.
So, birthdays matter because we can rest in the sovereignty of God, knowing that he has foreknown and counted all of our days.

3. it reflects a greater birth...

This point can go in two different directions.
First, birthdays matter because God decided out of all his infinite ways to enter the world by being born as a baby.
Because of that one day everything as we knew it has changed, our calendars reflect it, the way we date years is surrounded around that one day.
We celebrate Chrsitimas each year because the mighty and glorious God of the universe humbled himself to be born of a woman and to be a vulnerable baby boy.
The birth of Jesus is important for so many reasons, but one reason is because Christ truly identified himself with his children.
The sacrifice of Christ is sufficient for all who believe in Him because he was born as a baby, grew as a teenager, and lived as an adult in perfect obedience to God the Father on our behalf.
So, rejoice in your birth, knowing its not arbitrary but a beautiful reflection of God's redemptive plan.

However, the act of being born of a woman is not enough to save us or to bring us into perfect relationship with God.
When babies are born they are a fresh slate...we are unaware of their personalities, characteristics, and gifts. Although they may be predisposed to certain family sin, we don't know who they are or what they will struggle with. As they grow they are shaped and molded by their family into the mature adult they become.
Birthdays matter because they reflect the greater birth, the new birth that happens through the work of the Holy Spirit. In this birth we are washed white as snow and our sins are remembered so more.
As we grow in the knowledge of Christ and as he draws us nearer to him we are shaped by Jesus into our final maturity we will experience in eternity.

4. we look forward to the everlasting celebration....

why party on birthdays? Cause we are celebrating life.... and why not add a little cake to the mix?
But really, we gather together with our friends and family, the ones we love the most, and celebrate someones life. We literally have a party to celebrate life.
In heaven, we will be gathered together with our family, our brothers and sisters in Christ,  and celebrate everlasting life with our Lord and Savior.
So, birthdays matter because they give us a longing for the eternal celebration of life to come...

Revelation 19:1-2

After this I heard what sounded like the roar of a great multitude in heaven shouting:“Hallelujah!Salvation and glory and power belong to our God, for true and just are his judgments.He has condemned the great prostitute who corrupted the earth by her adulteries.He has avenged on her the blood of his servants.”

5. we are not promised the next one...

everyone says it..... "live for today" "carpe diem"
i want to leave you with Psalm 90, which is written by Moses, a man of God.
after traveling in the desert with the grumbling israelites for 40 years, i think Moses might know a thing or two about the fragility of life...
Birthdays matter because we get the opportunity to reflect on, praise, and thank God for the unconditional grace he has given us for the past ___ years. We pray for more, but we know our days are limited. He brought us up from dust, breathed life into us, and out of his goodness gives us many days of life.

Psalm 90...

 Lord, you have been our dwelling place

in all generations.

 Before the mountains were brought forth,

or ever you had formed the earth and the world,

from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

 You return man to dust

and say, “Return, O children of man!”

 For a thousand years in your sight

are but as yesterday when it is past,

or as a watch in the night.

 You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream,

like grass that is renewed in the morning:

 in the morning it flourishes and is renewed;

in the evening it fades and withers.

 For we are brought to an end by your anger;

by your wrath we are dismayed.

 You have set our iniquities before you,

our secret sins in the light of your presence.

 For all our days pass away under your wrath;

we bring our years to an end like a sigh.

 The years of our life are seventy,

or even by reason of strength eighty;

yet their span is but toil and trouble;

they are soon gone, and we fly away.

 Who considers the power of your anger,

and your wrath according to the fear of you?

 So teach us to number our days

that we may get a heart of wisdom.

 Return, O Lord! How long?

Have pity on your servants!

 Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,

that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,

and for as many years as we have seen evil.

 Let your work be shown to your servants,

and your glorious power to their children.

 Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,

and establish the work of our hands upon us;

yes, establish the work of our hands!

i wish i knew moses

Moses is liked by everyone.

He is a prominent figure in Judaism, Islam, and Christianity... everyone likes him.

He was a righteous man, but he failed constantly.

This morning reading Deuteronomy I was so encouraged by his sacrificial leadership. 

Here he is leading the Israelites at the end of the the forty years of wandering.

THINK about that.... 40 years with these whining, complaining, grumbling people....

If there was anyone who had an excuse to walk away from the calling or despise God for the calling, it would be Moses. 

So the context for Deuteronomy 4 is that the Israelites had just conquered much of the land by the will of God and Moses is reminding his people that he will not be able to go with them into this promised land. 

WHY? ???

I would be so angry.... just thinking about Moses' situation makes me so sad for him.

He has led these disrespectful, downright disobedient people for 40 years and gets to the place where he reminded of Gods goodness, but immediately reminded of what he will be missing out on.

 

more context....

In Numbers 20 we learn why Moses is prohibited from entering the promised land. 

The Israelites, once again grumbling, are in the desert without water and Moses and Aaron plead before the Lord to give water. God tells Moses to assemble the Israelites and before their eyes speak to the rock to give water. 

Well, Moses gathers all the people around, but instead of speaking he strikes the rock twice with his staff and the water flows out.

So, whats the problem? Everyone gets water...

But Moses compromised the testimony of God's holiness before the people. 

What i never knew before reading today is that Moses SISTER & BROTHER died right before and after this situation.

Miriam died right before and Aaron died right after.... how discouraging. 

Not only is Moses unable to go into the land flowing with milk and honey... but not he has lost the two most important people to him. 

Like I said, if there was every anyone to want to quit and be bitter with God, it was Moses.

SO back to Deuteronomy 4 and why Moses amazes me. 

We have the context of who Moses is, the fact he is not entering the land, and now he is in charge of raising up a new leader, Joshua, to lead the people into the land. 

Moses is on his way out and he takes full advantage of it. 

He doesn't tell the Israelites everything he hates about them, or complain about how it was their fault he messed up. 

He reminds them of the GOOD NEWS. 

He reminds them.... 

He speaks to the people saying, "O Israel, listen to the statues and the rules that i am teaching you..."

He reminds them how great it is to have a God so near to us, whenever we call upon his name.

He reminds them not to forget what their eyes have seen, don't let it depart from your heart.

He reminds them that they have not seen God, but only heard his voice.

He reminds them of the covenant God made with them and wrote down his commandments.

He reminds them because they had not seen God's form, not to make images and not to worship the creation. 

"Take care, lest you forget the covenant of the Lord your God, which he made with you... For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." 

I can't help but think Moses was harkening back to the his mistakes he had made, or the glory of the Lord he experienced, or the miracle of God's hand. 

He knew God was jealous. He experienced God's jealousy.

He knew that God was righteous, holy, and just. 

The reason Moses amazes me is because he was a sacrificial leader.

We are all leaders in the Church like Moses, whether leading 1 or 100, young or old, male or female. 

Those disciples are going to grumble, sin, disobey, and downright disrespect God and us.

But like Moses, we are to be a living reminder. 

Moses didn't point to himself... he pointed to the God who made a covenant with them and chose them.

Would I sacrifice reward in order to lead the people of God to reward? 

If I knew I wasn't going to the promised land, would i still be able to speak of God so passionately and zealously? 

If these people had failed me so many times and given me so much heartache, could i still remind them of the goodness that lie before them and warn them of sin?

Moses did. Moses showed grace. But Moses was not perfect.

Moses points us to Christ....

Just like Moses, Jesus lost everyone close to him.

During his trial and crucifixion his best friends left his side...

In fact, it was one of his friends that handed him over and let him down.

Jesus' own people, the Jews, hated him and desired to have him killed.

Just like Moses, Jesus could have told them exactly what he felt, but instead he continually showed grace and pointed them to who God is and the covenant he has made and has come to fulfill.

Just like Moses, Jesus died without receiving earthly reward.

Jesus knew what he had to do, what he had to sacrifice. He had to give up his life...

But just like Moses, Jesus knew the will of the Father and he knew it was good despite how it looked or felt.

Moses points us to the perfect intercessor, Jesus Christ who lived perfectly and took on our grumbly, hatred, and disobedience so that we might enter the Promised Land. 

Moses points to the true Sacrificial Leader. 

every day mattered

Few weeks back my good friends Dana and Deanna and I were talking about this new book Dana is reading, called Found in Him: The Joy of the Incarnation and Our Union with Christ by Elyse Fitzpatrick (find book here). 

Dana talked about how enlightening it was and how she had never thought so much about how the Incarnation of Jesus influences our life. Deanna and I admit that we hadn't really taken the time to think about Jesus' life, like a real person doing real things. 

I think sometimes the person of Jesus is so swallowed up by his birth, death, and resurrection, that we hardly take time to think of him as God, the Incarnate. Its so true in my own life. 

Then, Dana said something that hit me sideways and changed everything I thought about the Incarnation. 

In Fitzpatrick's book, she suggests that Jesus' life was about more than being innocent. If Jesus' only purpose in coming to Earth was to be sinless or innocent, Herod could have killed him when we has a toddler, or for that matter he could have died shortly after birth, and would have been completely innocent. 

Jesus' actual life mattered, and still matters. But why?

Days went by and I just kept thinking about what she said and how profound that was. But it still didn't completely satisfy my curiosity. I kept thinking back on that verse in Hebrews 4:15,

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.

This verse helped me a little, but I still couldn't figure out what exactly God was trying to show me. As of right now the closest similarity I have to Jesus is that I live a normal life, fighting flesh and sin. I wasn't born miraculously, and I haven't yet died and resurrected with him. 
So, why does Jesus' life matter so much to my life? How does the gospel of Jesus Christ speak into my everyday life? 
That's the question I was wrestling with...
So as I was wrestling with those thoughts in my own mind, my husband and I were preparing for our small group Bible study at our house. We were reading Romans 5 over dinner when I came across a verse that honestly confused me. Romans 5:10 states, 

For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!

I started to break it down in order to understand it a little better. Then it hit me... There is something profound in this one verse and God gave me the eyes and mind of faith to receive it. 
Paul seems to be setting up two different situations or two statements, referring to death and life.

For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son...
1. Before we professed faith in Christ  while we were Gods enemies, we were made right through his death. Basically Jesus death makes us holy and pleasing before the Lord. 

After reading that first part I thought to myself, "well that seems good enough, right?" I mean Jesus died to bring us near to God and now that's accomplished so everything is all gravy....
But we still have that same question, what about Jesus' life?

...how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!
2. Number one shows us that we were reconciled by death, but this statement talks about now that we are reconciled, to those who have professed faith in Jesus or also called saints. On this side of the cross and through faith we are saved through his life.

This means Jesus' life matters for our continual salvation.... I am not saying that you can lose your salvation, in fact I am saying the opposite. 
Jesus' life matters because we cloth ourselves in Christ (Romans 13:14) which means we not only take upon his death and resurrection, but also his actual LIFE. 
Jesus didn't just live 30ish years because it seemed right or because God liked that age. 
Jesus lived every moment, day, and year in perfect obedience to God on our behalf. Every day mattered in Christ's life because he lived perfectly in every situation. 

When I lie to my friend and turn my back on her, I am saved because Christ was a perfect friend and completely faithful on my behalf.
When I am angry at God and I ignore him and choose sin, I can look to Jesus' life, that although he had seemingly good reasons to be mad at God, he was perfectly faithful and joyfully chose obedience to the Father. 
When my mother fails me and lets me down, I can look to the Christ who was true to his word and gave me a new, everlasting family.

Now, on a side note I do want to say this is also referring to true life in the resurrection of Jesus. But even in that we can look to Jesus as the first fruits, the one who went before us perfectly, even in his death and resurrection.

I plead with you to dwell on Jesus' life...
There was not a day the Father ordained by accident in Jesus' life. 
All he did, written and unwritten, mattered.
He is not just a moral example or an innocent human. 
This is our hope of life with God as he makes us more like Christ until we dwell together one day. 
Clothe yourselves in the life of Jesus Christ and look not to your failures but to the perfection of Jesus Christ and the righteousness he offers to the glory of God. 

Which day of the week is Church?

I am going to think out loud. 

I have been thinking so much about the Church lately, and where we are in 2014 and what God is going to do among us all.

As I think about the Church, the buzz words come to my mind; small groups, community groups, life groups, gospel communities, missional communities..and the list goes on.

I am not saying anything bad about these terms, but as a Church, collectively, we don't know what they mean or which one we want to use. 

Well..I'm not going to solve that problem, in fact what I say might make the problem worse (before it gets better however). 

We, the Church, are doing an okay job at the weekly meetings. We have learned and are convicted that meeting once a week to study the Bible is either what we are supposed to do or it's a pretty good thing. 

Either way...we are doing it. 

We may even meet again in a different group of people, maybe its all women or maybe you help with the youth. 

But, two times a week is what Christians would called "involved" in your local church. 

Again, these are all wonderful things. This blog isn't about those weekly times together (that's a future blog).

 This is about inconsistency...a hole in our understanding of what is means to be the Church. 

We get together throughout the week; laugh, share stories, pray, cry, play with one anthers children, drink coffee, make meals, watch football, speak Gods word to one another, and fellowship. 

Those are small groups, life groups, gospel communities, or missional communities. That's life. 

But, we aren't quite sure what to do with Sunday morning...

?????

???

??

?

Ive asked myself this question recently; Why does Sunday morning look so different from the rest of our week.

Unless you're from outside America or your church is at grassroots stage, this applies to you. 

Why does Sunday morning feel scheduled, stiff, or programmed?? 

This isn't meant to harp on any local body, because I know there are congregations filled with the life-giving Holy Spirit.

But why does Sunday morning have to look any different from the rest of our weeks?

What happens when a small/life/missional/gospel community gets bigger and starts to outgrow the house it meets in?

------we raise up leaders to start a new group at someone else's house, in someone else's neighborhood, where there are new people, new surroundings, and a new opportunity to worship in new community. 

But, what happens when a Sunday morning gathering gets too big? Outgrows its walls?

------we move buildings? we build new ones? 

This is all I have ever known, and honestly this is all any of us have ever known, because this is what the American church has been doing for most its life. 

I have heard the reasons and have spoken the excuses myself. "If we want more people to come to hear and learn about Jesus than we have to make room for them. The more room the more converts to Jesus." its as simple as that.

I'm a product of this, so don't get my wrong..I'm really trying not to be harsh.

Well what do we do in theses situations? Like any good Christian we go to the early Church in Acts and we see what God was doing among them... 

The first verse we usually point to is Acts 2:41,

So those who received his word were baptized and there were added that day about 3,000 souls.

See, there is nothing wrong with having a large church or a bigger building, we can't possibly live in a close community with 3,000 people on a Sunday morning. That's impossible... 

It is impossible. 

But God revealed something to me in his word that spoke to me concerning this disconnect between our missional lives and our attractional Sundays. 

The ONLY reason there were 3,000 believers that day is because it was PENTECOST.

It wasn't normal. It wasn't typical. It wasn't ideal.

Acts 2:1,5,9-11;

When the day of Pentecost arrived, they were all together in one place. Now there were dwelling in Jerusalem Jews, devout men form every nation under heaven. Parthians and Medes and Elamites and residents of Mesopotamia, Judea and Cappadocia, Pontus and Asia, Phrygia and Pamphylia, Egypt and parts of Libya belonging to Cyrene, and visitors form Rome, both Jews and proselytes, Cretans and Arabians- we hear them telling in our own tongues the mighty words of God.

God did something amazing that day, he drew in 3,000 believers because it was the outpouring of the Holy Spirit, God himself. 
This is an atypical situation... 
They were drawn the temple area because of the Jewish celebration called the Feast of Weeks, and hearing the rushing wind and the tongues of the nations and seeing the tongues of fire caused the men to turn their attention to the apostles and ultimately to the mighty work of the Holy Spirit. 
This was significant.

But that's not the point of this blog. 
The point was at the end of that gathering, after 3,000 believers were baptized in Jesus Christ and all was said and done, they went home.
Of course they would gather. They were used to gathering. 
But they went home. They met at home. 
They didn't build a mega-synagogue to meet in. 
The people of God lived their Sunday mornings, daily.

Here are a few examples of the early Church doing "Sunday"
“When they [Paul and Silas] had come out of the prison, they went to Lydia’s house where they saw and encouraged the brothers, and then they left” (Acts 16:40).
“Greet Prisca and Aquila, my co-workers in Christ Jesus...greet also the church at their house” (Romans 16:3,5).
“Give greetings to the brothers in Laodicea and to Nympha and to the church in her house” (Colossians 4:15).
“Paul, a prisoner for Christ Jesus, and Timothy our brother, to Philemon, our beloved and our co-worker, to Apphia our sister, to Archippus our fellow soldier, and to the church at your house” (Philemon verses 1-2).



When we outgrow our building, lets meet at someone else's building too. 
The early Church was the spread out, sent out people of God.


Then in Acts 2:42,45-47

They devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread, and the prayers. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved. 

Church, lets go home. 

I hope that the power of the Holy Spirit who dwells within us and unifies us together can speak to this hole missing in the Church.
May the Word of God and the work of the Holy Spirit convict our hearts, in the way we teach, worship, break bread, spend our money, and take care of one another. 

John 20:21

Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, even so I am sending you.

-Jesus 

2 0 1 3

the past year and a half has changed me in ways i still don't understand.

i didn't believe people when they told me that i would make it through 2013, i thought somehow or someway i wouldn't make it. 

the funny thing is, you are probably expecting me to say some really bad things happened or i was sick or there was some sort of life or death situation. thats not true at all. 

if anything, the past year was overflowing with good things. but i didn't see it like that.

i was a child, like a little Israelite girl wondering in the desert after being released from slavery. 

there was a promise ahead, and God was walking so near to me. 

but all i could think, was I'm not going to make it. I'm going to die out hear and its all your fault God because you did this to me. you gave me too many good things.

how embarrassing is that.....

in the fall of 2012 i was at wheaton college and had been accepted on the 2013 summer wheaton in the holy lands trip.

the minute i walked onto wheatons campus thats all i ever wanted to do. i wanted to travel and study abroad and see the world, i didn't care how much it cost.

but prior to applying for that trip God had changed my heart and inevitably changed my plans. 

i never wanted to get married or fall in love because i had seen nothing but failure after failure and i didn't want that. i was fine with being alone, i thought. 

but God gave me Derek, and in the summer of 2012 he proposed.

i was so scared, i didn't think i could handle planning a wedding, i never actually wanted a wedding. the date was set for 8.10.13

but God in his goodness revealed to me what marriage truly meant and changed my heart forever. 

so now i was planning a wedding, in my final year of college and now planning to study abroad for 7 weeks a month before the wedding. 

i couldn't handle it. 

i went to my dear friend, crying in fear of failure. she prayed over me and spoke truth into my life and i will never forget that blessing. 

2013 came and i started writing letters to people, asking them to support my trip.

i felt so weird about asking people for money, but i knew i couldn't go otherwise. 

through that God taught me what it means to be the church and what it looked like to support one another.

by the grace of God i raised 10,000$ to study abroad, which testifies to Gods sovereign hand.

in may i began my trip. we went to Italy, Greece, Turkey, and Israel/Palestine. i missed home at times, but more than anything i wished Derek could experience was i was doing. it was truly the most remarkable thing i have ever done.

God changed me so much across the world. i saw so many types of people in so many different cultures. i was humbled and ashamed of my arrogance. i had always been ethnocentric, and God tore my heart apart for the nations. 

i learned so much about myself and what it meant to be a minority. 

i will never read the bible the same, now seeing where jesus and paul and the disciples walked. 

that trip changed me.

so i retuned home feeling like a foreigner still. 7 weeks is just long enough to start feeling at home. but here i was back in the midwest town of 40,000 about to get married in a month and i don't feel like I'm home. 

i was so confused and i just wanted everyone around me to understand and experience what i had. God changed my heart for the nations. 

right when i get home, literally as i am driving home from the airport i find out that my stepdad left me mom while i was gone. 

i couldn't believe it.. my heart sunk and i felt so much despair. 

why was i even getting married? i mean isn't it a joke these days, that people actually get married. 

satan used my moms divorce a month before my wedding to lead me to believe lies about love, marriage, and commitment. 

the flood of lies would come and go throughout the next weeks, but i never truly killed them with the word of God. 

a week before our wedding i was crying everyday. i wasn't crying because i was growing up and beucase my life was changing and i was leaving my parents.

i was crying out of fear. here i was again... crying out of fear.

thats all i had ever done, when things get hard and scary i freeze and cry.

i figured i would probably leave derek or he would leave me, so whats the point anyways. i was so scared of marriage. 

8.10.13 came, and the power of the Spirit covered that day in His grace and mercy.

it was one of the best days of my life. i had so much joy and i was refreshed and encouraged by the gospel of Jesus Christ that day. 

so here i am, its 2014 and i made it. 

all these events of the past year are just details, but they were real to me. 

they may seem silly or insignificant but it was real to me. 

i doubted Gods goodness, faithfulness, and love for me.

but he brought me through. he took me one step at a time and showed me just enough in front of me. 

i knew it was going to be a year that would change my life forever, and it was. 

i was so afraid of taking a step because i was so afraid of failing. 

1 john 4:18....there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. for fear has to do with punishment...

i understand Gods love in 2014 in a way i never could have if i wouldn't have experienced 2013. 

punishment comes from failure, and there is no failure with God.

if God is who he says he is and he is in control, as long as we are walking in step with the Spirit, dwelling in Jesus Christ, we cannot fail. 

2014 will not be without fear or hardship, but it will be covered in grace. 

lets truly believe this is year brothers and sisters, 

"there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus." romans 8:1....