a heart ache.

God broke my heart tonight. I was overanalyzing (as always) my relationship with my loving and gracious fiancé, pondering how I can know him better, thus love him and treat him better. That, in itself, is enough to make a girl crazy. There was this pain in my chest, and for the first time I saw the end to mine and Derek's relationship. Not the end, as if one of us is leaving or quitting on the other. But I saw the finiteness of human love and affection. It has an end. I wanted our love in that moment to satisfy this deep, hungry, crazy, romantic, craving I had in my heart. I was forcing it. I was making up problems that weren't there. I was pointing fingers that weren't necessary. I was desperate. I needed to be needed and I wanted to be affirmed. I NEEDED HIM TO BE PERFECT. 

And he is, that is, my true Love. Jesus is the only perfect one, the one our hearts were made to crave for and long after. He is the one who made this unclean bride his OWN. He looked at me, as I was walking down that aisle, in what was supposed to be a beautiful white gown.. My head was down, full of shame, looking at the dress painted red in dishonor. He came to me, because I couldn't come to him. He grabbed by chin and lifted it up, grabbed my hand and lead me. He knew me. He saw me. He didn't look past my mistakes and sin, but he took them upon himself. It was scary, it is scary. He knew me, he knows me. He loved me, he loves me. He made me his own.

So, as I had this moment with Derek, weeping out of confusion yet clarity, he assured me that our love won't even begin touch the love that Jesus had and still has for his bride. I am so grateful that God has given me a man like Derek, who lifts my chin when I can't bear the weight of the world, and grabs my hand when I can't take a single step forward. The way he loves me doesn't make sense. His grace is too unconditional, and his compliments seem too sweet. But I praise the Lord that our pursuit of marriage only leads us yearning after that deep relationship that is only found in Jesus.

I prayed this prayer tonight. Not because Derek and I got into a fight, had a disagreement, or anything of the like. But God, in his powerful, forceful, romantic, not-giving-up, seeking, saving, and rescuing sort of way found me on this cold Tuesday night, exhausted...in more than one way. Being engaged is awkward, and as a follower of Christ I keep telling myself that it's like the in-between times, like the "already, not yet" scenario. But, most of the time I do not long for the "not yet" but rather idolize and worship the "already." Tonight, I experienced the "not yet," and it is captivating. 

my prayer:
Oh Jesus, I long to know you deeply, just as you know me. My heart longs with pain to be one with you.. I long for the vast deepness of unity with you that marriage only dips it's toe in. Only eternity can quench this longing.. but until then I will strive and labor, with a heart that temporarily belongs to Derek, but forever belongs to you. For the first time, I have longed for you like I have never longed for anything. Praise be to God, for the earnest pursuit of covenantal marriage strengthens and provokes the heart's zealous pursuit of aching for Jesus Christ.

I have a heartache y'all, and its not going anywhere.